Written by Pony Turbo
Published by Pony Turbo
Sponsored by Barack Obama
"Pony you can't just blantantly lie like that..."
"I can do whatever the F*** I WANT, STEVE"
Pony Turbo (Johnathan Taylor Turbo) is the incarnation of all that is wrong with heroes. They develop egos, sell out for money, lose their ideals, or stop caring and get reckless with their powers. Pony Turbo was always self-absorbed, immature, and a slacker, but when thrust into the limelight, his flaws thrived. The worst of the worst. Originally a bright blue, max-scaled monstrosity, PT grew from being my first character into my best character. When I started to flesh him out, I tried to make him a lot like myself. As you can see, I'm a total asshole.
Hey readers, it is I, the object of your desire, Pony Turbo. If you are reading this you have either purchased the Encyclopedia of Pony Turbo or found it online somewhere at a strange website. So bros, get to a comfortable position because chances are you'll have to rub one out after reading this...
How does a normal man become a hero? If you must ask then you don't know. My secret origin is shrouded in secrecy and smothered with a secret sauce made from secret extract and another secret ingredient. It can be explained in a word. Science. The stuff is what created superhumans in the first place, and it is what will keep creating them after I'm long gone. I was a no good person who was turned into something good. Some will argue that I'm still a no good person, but in the end, you must admit, that everything I do, I do it big. I do it explosive. I do it TURBO.
Yknow Pony, I was rather excited when you said you were going to write a book about yourself. Even though it is a completely self-centered, egotistical thing to do, it still requires a little bit of intelligence. Well thanks Steve, your comments have been filed and appreciated. Yeah, but that was before you told me you were just going to spend half of the book writing down word-for-word your Freedom Corps file. Well what the hell was I supposed to do Steve?! Write it all myself?! That'd take a hell of a lot of time! It doesn't matter anyway because this file on me is written in like some kind of Hebrew-Japanese hybrid! You're holding it upside down Pony. Oh, I see.
Pony Turbo can best be described as a textbook narcissist. He is loud, competitive, assumes he is the best at everything, and has little or no feelings about anyone other than himself. Hm, that's pretty harsh. No, it is accurate. Steve, get out my keyboard. This is my space. Your space is over there. You mean next to that bowl full of dog food and the water dish in the corner? Wouldn't that be your dog's space? No, I don't have a dog, those things are there for you. Wow, uhm, why don't you keep reading, PT.
Although Pony Turbo is one of the fastest speedsters we've ever seen, he's also very reckless with his power. He has made no attempts to conceal his identity and often puts himself (and our agents) at risk during his exploits. His agility is impressive, and he's proven time and time again that the feats he can accomplish border on astonishing, but that does not allow him to be so crude, vulgar, and disrespectful. He takes advantage of his friends, mouths off constantly, and I'm pretty sure he's forcing his next door neighbor to proofread his tweets and facebook status updates. Oh hey look, they mentioned me. Shut it, Steve. Why don't you keep reading.
Pony Turbo is also a bit of a womanizer. This field agent knows what he's talking about. This is most likely because he never experienced love as a child and now overcompensates by trying to find feelings in meaningless relationships with random women. This field agent is an idiot! You just said he knows what he's talking about, PT! No, Steve, he's stupid. Pony Turbo also must have been deprived of attention for a long time, that's why he constantly tries to get as much as he can now. Whether it be by acting out or trying to use superspeed to launch himself off of a ramp and sail above thirty buses. Ha, remember that Steve? That was a sick Wednesday. You broke three bones, PT. Y'gotta live while you're alive man. You're an idiot. Really, Steve? REALLY?! Was BON JOVI AN IDIOT?! BECAUSE THAT WAS BON JOVI!
Pony Turbo's incredible feats do make him an impressive member of the metahuman population, but his personality ruins so much of his potential that it is hard to gauge what side he is even fighting on. I recommend the immediate suspension of his hero registration until he learns to be a team player and grows up. But that is wishful thinking, we are talking about Pony Turbo, after all.
I can't believe you just typed out an official document word for word and are going to try to pass it off like your autobiography. This bad boy's gonna make me rich, Steve. You're already pretty rich, PT. This bad boy's gonna make me richer, Steve. How did you even get this file, anyway? Are you even authorized to have this? Are you even authorized to be a huge flaming homosexual, Steve? Alright PT, just make jokes like that, that will definitely make you look less guilty.
Here's a big stupid list of my known heroic associates:
Here's a big stupid list of my many villainous rivals:
The following is a list of my most unforgettable moments and quotes, this list, is an honor. This large beautiful PIECE OF ART is coveted by people all over the world. But like any masterpiece, the list takes time, care, and most of all...hard work to become a part of. If you want your name on THIS list, well then you are just going to have to suck it up, and release all the lame jokes you have within you! LONG LIVE THE LIST!!!!!
Timekick: Is there any particular reason you have to be such a dick all the time?
Me: Well I can't be a vagina
Blue-Havok: Pony Turbo you are suspended from Frontline duty until further notice
Me: Is this because I used your toothbrush to clean the toliets?
Me: Don't blame them.
Liquidus: Of course not, they're the muscle support to the little that is left of your brain.
Me: Being suspended is so boring!
Liquidus: It's been eight minutes
Me: It is half past Turbo Time.
Me: I know I'm supposed to hate Arachnos, but this base is sorta comfy.
Asunder: ...Your whole conception of relationships comes from romance novels, doesn't it?
Me: And Sex and the City reruns. Idiot.
Me: OH MY GOD YOU AND YOUR SISTER ARE LOVERS!??!?!?!?!
Rave Spider: CALM IT DOWN!
Me: You guys hear about that sheep that got cloned?
Lagoon: Dude that was like 8 years ago.
Me: MY MILKSHAKE BRINGS ALL THE BOYS TO THE YARD!
Knight Sentinel takes the mic
Pyreblast: Is that the only line you know, PT?
Knight Sentinel: Ladies and Gentlemen, as our friend has illustrated so effectively...the alchohol is setting in, and the night is winding down.
Me: Masked get out of the way.
Masked: I'm no clone, and I'm not moving.
Me: Jules says you're a clone, Calvin says you're a clone. You do clone-like things, I'm beginning to think you are a clone...
Masked: What are they... CLONE-OLOGISTS?
Me: I don't know.
Masked: Listen to your heart, PT.
Me: I don't have a heart, that's why I'm about to beat up a girl.
Masked: You have a point.
Me: Konichiwa, bitches!
Coldcrash: You clearly don't speak Japanese so quit trying.
Me: Domo arrigato, bitches!
Me: Psh, I put your group on the MAP, bro.
Matt King: You need to get your ego in check.
Me: You need to quit hatin' on me man, I'm Pony freakin' Turbo.
Me: You lied to me.
Masked: I did. I lied big time to you.
Me: Dale said that that you didn't even have herpes, and I said that you did.
Masked: Honestly, like, from now on, just, like, from everything that we've gone through, from, like, seeing this fuckin' asshole's nuts smashed with my Daewoo, I want to be a better friend to you. I really do.
Me: I fuckin' love you, dog. I fuckin' love you.
Masked: I wanna be inside you, homes.
Me: No more lies, Masked.
Masked: This is my moment.
Me: This is your moment.
Me: I kick with the force of a thousand trains.
Me: Where is this prison? ATLANTIS!?
Mr. Shade: It's an island prison.
TJ Quake: Everybody knows Atlantis is a myth Pony!
Nimbus: This is wrong...
Me: Hey Nim you should bitch more, that will help.
Me: Aren't Warcry and Sinister like best friends? Why's he trying to drag and drop him into the recycle bin?
Mr. Shade: You said you "remembered" Sinister's escape. Did you not also remember his betrayal of Warcry?
Me: Yeah but he's like an artificial intelligence, Han Solo and Chewbacca betrayed C-3PO like three-hundred times, but he still hung out with them.
Mr. Shade: These are power mad constructs, not movie characters.
Me: Your van smells like shit. And why do you have a "Baby on Board" sticker on your window?
Armaments: ...This...is stupid
Me: Is this shag carpeting? Now I want a van.
Red-Havok draws a picture of his brother on the window fog...
Masked Renegade: Okay, guys. This is Portal Corp.
Me: What, why the hell are we at Portal Corp?
Azure Tracer: Aren't vans what child molester sapiens use?
Masked Renegade: If I don't come back, PT, you get my skateboard collection.
Me: AH SICK...I mean. I hope it doesn't come to that.
Me: Alright, parking's gonna be a bitch at a PPD crime scene so somebody grab a handicap sticker and throw it on the Toyota Sienna, it'll make things much easier.
Me: Alright Infiltrators, this is a crime scene. NOBODY TOUCH ANYTHING.
I touch everything on the way in.
Me: I'm using the bathroom before we leave, because last time Cyborg Sinister's hideout didn't have one.
Me: Next thing you're gonna tell me Phanto's on our side too.
Rave Spider: Yeah he is.
Rave Spider: Way to guess that in comedically hilarous fashion, Pony.
Me: I can't read my watch, but I'm pretty sure in some part of the world it is Turbo Time right now.
I am so badass that people who aren't me still write stories about me because I am just that badass damn it. Yeah so here's a couple of those you stupid f***tards. Why would you cuss out your readers? Cause I can.
Pony Turbo/Turbo Time: Nuclear Kicks - by @ItsTheSheppy
I go on an adventure to defend planet Earth from evil space ninjas with lasers while making out with super hot chicks. I do some other badass stuff that you totally wish you could do, but you'll have to read the story in order to find out what that stuff is. All I'm sure of is that you can't do it cause you're not me, Pony Turbo. Now go home and cry you little crybaby bitches.
Pony Turbo/Turbo Time: Rad Robot Rampage - by @Galactoman
My heart is tearing (not really) when I must abandon a super hot make-out party with Angelina Jolie to go fight an evil robot that captured Statesman, the president, and every girl in Rhode Island named Becky. Oh and did I mention he took them all to the center of the Earth. The center bitch. Everything in the center of the Earth is like ten times more badass than on the crust.
Pony Turbo/Turbo Time: Sexual Explosion - by @ItsTheSheppy
I must save the day from an evil villain when everyone else pusses out. With help from his underwater friends (not really, I did it all on my own), I save the Earth from being turned into a giant water-balloon by the nefarious Captain Stupidscheme by turning my own inertia into pure brute strength. Read this story and totally feel sexually inadequate for the rest of your life (if you don't already).
Pony Turbo/Once Upon a Pony Turbo - by @Masked
So that's when it happened. Cameron Diaz and I fell in love. Pony, please write something that is remotely related to the above story. Steve, WE'VE BEEN WRITING...this STUPID encyclopedia for like hours and I am BORED as FLUNK. You're bored of writing about yourself? I never thought I'd see the day! I'm bored of writing about people writing about me, especially since this fanfic is really just a blatant rip-off of a Jake and Amir episode. What the hell is Jake and Amir? GOD STEVE, LOOK THEM UP, I DON'T HAVE ALL YOUR PRECIOUS ANSWERS!
Here are facts about PT, told from the perspective of me, his creator:
- People have asked me if I gave PT tourrets more than one time.
- PT had his own TV show, as well as several movies based around him.
- PT doesn't ever say sorry and mean it.
- PT has an action figure collection, but all the action figures are of himself.
- PT has been approached for autographs in-game many times, it makes me laugh.
- PT is really just a figment of my, his creator's, imagination.
- PT is modeled after me, sort of, I like to think I'm not as annoying, but equally as awesome.
- People have asked me if I gave PT NPD (Narcissistic personality disorder) more than one time.
- After I found out what NPD was, I concluded that PT must have it.
- In a live action movie about PT, he'd be played by Seann William Scott.
- All of the pictures on this page were gifted to me by my good friends and they were drawn by immensely talented artists! Tovio911 was the artist who did my headshot, it was gifted to me by a friend! Aglow commissioned the PT "Dick-In-A-Box picture, Red-Havok, Galactoman, and Juggertha drew the following pictures! My BFF Ran drew the picture of PT and Masked at the strip club! Liquidus comissioned the Liquid Zero/PT team-up picture and its freaking sweet! Foxy Ferret commissioned the picture of Masked and PT as kids!
- PT is 24 years old.
- PT is the only character in City of Heroes to ever hit level 100.
- PT grew up not knowing his parents, he lived with his grandfather.
- PT's ethnicity is somewhat of a mystery. If asked PT will say "I am Puerto Rican or some shit".
- PT doesn't cry, he had his tear ducts surgically removed. (This was submitted by Pony Turbo Superfan Aglow, after she heard me say it in-game.)
- If not for Red-Havok, I wouldn't have ever started RPing and I probably wouldn't have kept playing this game, so he is to thank for PT's very existence! (2side n Blue Aero 4 life)
- PT has the license plate M0D1CK registered to his name, even though he does not own a car.
- PT now owns a tiny kitten by the name MS. TINYPAWS gifted to him by friend Voltium after hearing his heart-breaking tale of his diabetes cat MR. FATPAWS.
- PT and Steve authored their fellow Challenger's page, Sovereign Fist.
- PT's Xbox LIVE gamertag is nofatchx. He often plays with Red-Havok, who has the gamertag cade367hamster.
- This page's layout was designed and implemented by @Unmasked, I simply wrote all the words.