From Unofficial Handbook of the Virtue Universe
|"This is Archon Lawson, badge #3675. How may I assist you, you worthless piece of sh*t?"|
|Real Name:||Gabriel Lawson|
|Known Aliases:||"Council Tech Support Guy", Lawson|
|Species:||Human / War Wolf|
|Height:||5'4" Human / 8'4" War Wolf|
|Weight:||140 lbs. Human / 400 lbs. War Wolf|
|Occupation:||Council Archon and Quantum Gun Tech Support|
|Place of Birth:||Confidential|
|Base of Operations:||Striga Isle|
|Marital Status:||Single and Has Given Up Hope|
|Known Relatives:||Family Somewhere in Paragon|
|Super Strength, Super Senses (Smell/Taste/Touch/Hearing), Super Agility (Leaping), Enhanced Willpower|
|Increased Logic and Problem Solving Skills, Acute Technical Knowledge, Legendary Patience (for a War Wolf)|
|Standard Council Archon Equipment, Minus Headset|
|No additional information available.|
The Unpublished Quantum Array Gun Handbook, Pg. 94 (Surviving Page)
And now a brief FAQ by Archon “Tech Support Guy” Lawson!
Q: How do I store my Quantum Gun?
A: Ideally, a Quantum Array Gun (Or Quantum Gun, as it is known colloquially) should be stored on a gun rack, barrel pointed down, in the off position, with the safety engaged. The gun rack should in turn be in a cool, dry area out of direct sunlight. If stored for long periods of time without use, it should have a clean, soft cloth wrapped around the energy chamber before being sealed, not wrapped, in plastic or placed in a gun case.
Q: How do I clean my Quantum Gun?
A: A quantum gun should never be submerged in any sort of liquid. Do not wash your Quantum Gun with any abrasive or chemical cleaner. If your Quantum Gun becomes dirty, wipe it down with a damp (not dripping wet) cloth and plain, clean water. If your Quantum Gun has sustained damage, do not try to clean any cracked or broken areas. Let the Quantum Gun air dry or if you’re in a hurry gently pat it dry.
Q: If my Quantum Gun malfunctions or is broken during regular use, what should I do?
A: Quantum Gun malfunction is sadly a frequent occurrence with our current models. In the event that your Quantum Gun malfunctions, you should use the distributed quality control sheet that should have arrived with your shipment, labeled “Malfunction”, then send that to your distributor who will forward it to the proper authorities. If you lack this sheet, contact your distributor with when the problem started, what the effect was, any damage it may have caused, if the Quantum Gun itself sustained damage and its serial number.
In the event your Quantum Gun is damaged, you should follow the above procedure, either filling out the sheet labeled “Damaged”, or contacting your distributor with when it was damage, how it was damaged, any smells/sounds/abnormalities that occurred after it was damaged and its serial number.
In either case, if your gun is malfunctioned, damaged, or behaving strangely, stop using it immediately.
Q: I spilled <Insert Liquid Here> on my Quantum Gun. Is this bad?
A: As previously stated, you should never submerge your Quantum Gun in any liquid of any kind. However, spills are usually less to worry about. Spills on the body of the weapon itself can be cleaned off easily, as well as semi-liquid substances like pudding and ketchup. If the Barrel is dipped in a liquid by accident, or caustic liquid is somehow applied to the energy chamber, stop using your Quantum Gun immediately. While the barrel can be cleaned, at least on the outside, any damage caused by liquid to the sensitive energy chamber should be treated as permanent damage. If the liquid does not damage the chamber, you may wipe it off and should quite it off as quickly and gently as possible.
As a safety precaution, you should not consume any foods or liquids around your Quantum Gun. You should also never Rave with your weapon, even if it is off. I feel I should not have to state this, but just in case. Don’t Rave with it. Really.
Q: My Quantum Gun was stolen by a Hero, what should I do or who should I contact?
A: It was WHAT?! Ok… Ok… If you cannot retrieve your Quantum Gun, you should still contact your distributor or ask your immediate superior to do the same so you can have your Quantum Gun replaced as soon as possible. Contact them with the date it was stolen, who you think stole it and the weapons serial number for best results.
Do you know how much it costs to produce those things, let alone getting them to the proper specifications, then get them out to you? Seriously, why did you let this happen?
Q: I shot myself/my friend/my co-worker/my girlfriend/a pet/a parent/etc. with the Quantum Gun and they are not a Kheldian, is this bad?
A: You know… I’m not even going to ask why. I’m pretty sure I’m caught between not caring and not wanting to know. Anyway. In the event that you discharge your weapon and hit a non-Kheldian life form – and said life form survives – other then being upset and injured by the radiant heat generated by the energy, they will most likely be fine. Objects damaged by stray Quantum Gun blasts that are not destroyed may contain trace radiation from the blast itself, but will not endanger any non-Kheldian life form who comes into contact with it; Kheldian life forms may feel vaguely unpleasant when near or touching the object, but will not sustain damage.
Side Effects of being hit by stray Quantum Gun blasts include itchy eyes, dry mouth, fatigue, nausea and apparently calling me up to ask stupid questions.
Q: Can I do <Action Here> with the vapors and chemicals inside the quantum gun and will it result in <Effect Here> like I was told?
A: The contents of your Quantum Gun cannot be turned into a powder. They cannot be freebased. They cannot be injected. Do not inhale them. Do not use the contents of your quantum gun to blow up balloons or similar objects no matter how amusing that may seem at the time. Do not try to use the energy in the Quantum Gun to microwave or heat food. Do not light the contents on fire. Really, don’t.
If inhaled, ingested or internalized in any way, the vapors contained within your Quantum Gun will not get you high, drunk, give you an energy boost, cure impotence, clear acne, give you super powers, turn you into a Warshade or enable you to see Ghost Widow naked. It will however EAT THROUGH YOUR SKULL and result in a painful death you will completely deserve. Why would you do this? I don’t even know.
Q: Why do you have to be such a dick about this, man? Lighten up!
A: I’M A DICK?! LIGHTEN UP?! DO YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVE TO PUT UP WITH EVERY DAY? THEY SOLD THESE THINGS TO EVERY WORTHLESS UNIFORMED VILLAIN GROUP WITH HALF A BRAIN, A FULL WALLET AND A PAINSTAKINGLY POOR IDEA OF WHAT A KHELDIAN IS. THEN I HAVE TO PUT UP WITH YOUR IDIOCY WHEN YOU CALL ME AND ASK ME ABOUT THE STUPID CRAP YOU DO TO THEM AND THEN I HAVE TO WRITE A REPORT AND THE PAPERWORKGOESONFOREVERANDARGHIHATEYOUALLIHATEHATEHATE-
[The rest of the book has been shredded with claws, teeth and stained with blood, making it illegible.]
About the Author
Archon Lawson Facts
- Archon Lawson exists on a steady diet of coffee, tranquilizers and other Villains.
- Archon Lawson cannot dance.
- Archon Lawson hasn't dated since he joined the Council and has more or less given up hope of every having an intimate relationship.
- Archon Lawson's vision is his only sense that has not been enhanced, though he has amazing night vision due to his War Wolf transformation.
- Archon Lawson is colorblind in War Wolf form. This irritates him profusely.
- Archon Lawson is a full head smaller then most Archons. He is too embarrassed to admit he occasionally has to transform into his War Wolf form to reach things on high shelves.
- Long term orgies of destruction give Archon Lawson migraines. So does people screaming in his face while he tries to kill them.
- Though Archon Lawson is known for his almost legendary control when on the job, a direct blow to the nose in human form will cause him to transform to War Wolf form or enrage him if he is already transformed. He'd rather not talk about why.