Hey there, you pathetic little nerd!
I'm guessing you ended up here because you had nothing else to do?
Mmm-hmm, that's what I thought.
Well, you might as well get to know me.
I'm Crackspeed the Awesome, Master Of The Universe and Breaker of the Illusive Fourth Wall.
Yeah, it's a long title, so you might as well just call me Speed.
(Don't call me Crack: that just sounds weird. And you'll look like an idiot.)
I'm one of the most cheerful and loving sociopaths you'll ever meet, and I take pride in that fact!
Honestly, there's nothing I love more then snuggles, throwing puppies into late afternoon traffic, and hot chocolate. Mmm. Hot chocolate.
I am, surprisingly, male, despite what everybody seems to think. It's not my fault I was blessed with a gorgeous body worthy of goddesses. (I think most of the critics are just jealous.)
My face is pretty damn handsome, too: so much, in fact, that I have to hide it. That's why I wear the mask all the time, you see. It's a danger to everybody... so don't take it off. I MEAN IT. Don't take it off.
'So, what does this amazingly handsome guy have to contribute to the fight against crime?', you might be asking. Good question, dweeb! I'm quite proficient with what is known as a BFS: Big Fucking Sword. It does not have magical powers, nor did I receive it from a naked lady in a lake, but it seems to do the job of removing people's heads from their shoulders rather well. Therefore, I usually end up running around, giggling like a mad man while helping people lose their minds (by proxy of their neck). Yeah, it's just as fun as it sounds, which is REALLY FUCKING FUN.
I've also got a number of other superpowers, such as being able to produce objects out of thin air whenever I wish, having a great sense of humor, and being mostly immune to criticism and personal insults. Yeah, I know you're envious, but try to keep it on the down low. I don't want my sheer awesomeness to affect our relationship.
I also happen to have a robot suit. Don't ask how I got it; it's a secret. But it's really freaking awesome.
Hmm? You wanna know more about me as a PERSON? Oh, all right, fine.
Mostly, I'm a pretty fun-loving guy. Not really one for board games... oh no. I like the stuff that's really out there, that most sane people wouldn't do. (Hey, I'll openly admit that I'm probably not all there in the head, but who is these days?) That's the stuff that makes me happy. On my days off (which are few and far between, lemme tell you) you'll probably find me bungee jumping off public monuments and generally trying the impossible. After all, when you're a super hero, nothing's impossible anymore. I'm just out to prove that, is all. I also might be a teeny bit paranoid about some stuff, so if I start ranting, just smack me around a few times and I'll shut up. Me and my conspiracy theories...
And hey, the teasing? I don't really mean it. Sure, I might call people names sometimes, but it's only if they deserve it. I mean, if anybody thinks I'm actually sniping at them, they need to grow some balls and suck it up.
Also, my favorite color is orange.