Hellgirl
From Unofficial Handbook of the Virtue Universe
Under Construction! CHECKBACK SOON!!!
Anyway, I know there's a lot of misconceptions about me out there, a lot of rumors, but that's okay. It's easy to judge a book by its cover, and sometimes it's a good thing. I mean that's how people get away with looking at nudie mags at school... see, because, what they do is they hide the magazine inside the science book or whatever so the teacher.. anyway, okay, so I'm here to CLEAR THE AIR and tell the truth about me, my life, and why I'm number one in everything. Once and for all!! So stay tuned, true believers of the internet! It's time for some hardcore, no holds barred journalism. We're gonna get to the bottom of this whole Hellgirl thing, but first we gotta start at the top. Just the facts, ma'am!
- Hellgirl's favorite colors are red and black. Red like BLOOD and black like her heart and eternal soul.
- Robocop is the best movie. No negotiations.
- Despite the name, she's never been there. Believe it!
- Hellgirl knew it wasn't butter from the start!
- Hellgirl also knows what you're thinking. All the time.
- Hellgirl is the standing champion of American Gladiators: Jungle Gym Edition. People come from all over the world to watch her epic battles of strength and will. Only three bouts have ever ended without supreme victory, and two of those were due to recess ending too soon.
- Hellgirl beats up children, basically.
- Hellgirl beat Emerald Weapon without Underwater!
- Contrary to MC Hammer's beliefs, Hellgirl can and does touch this.
- Hellgirl is also too legit to quit.
- Hellgirl once won the lottery. The genetic lottery!!! WINNING!
- Hellgirl invents lots of stuff, including both mozzarella cheese and oreo cookies. And toad licking.
- Hellgirl is an accomplished painter. Her work is proudly displayed on refrigerators all over the country.
- Hellgirl is an award winning dancer. If you don't dance you're no friend of hers.
- Hellgirl was born in a volcano, when it was erupting. Every year on her birthday it calls and asks if it can erupt again but Hellgirl is a hero of the people, so she's like no, dude. You cut that out. People are trying to live around here, gosh. So the volcano is dormant.
- Long ago, Hellgirl was tasked by Napoleon to be the leader of all of the Dodo birds. But the dodos were a smart bird, and they knew they weren't good enough birds to serve this super sexy vixen goddess of justice love. So they all killed themselves. Now they're extinct, just like penguins.
- I like writing in the third person because I deserve it, dangit!
Reminder: ALL of these are 100% true and verifiable through me! Look it up, duh!!!
Boom, look at that, sucka! Hard facts are like lightning, man. You just never know when they'll strike your dome piece!! Now I know what you're thinking. First you're thinking, you're like, I feel I know so much about you now, Hellgirl! Then you're thinking you can't believe they packed so much awesome into one person, and to those things I say: I know, right?! It's hard to believe, sometimes. But then I feel how firm my and taut my skin is and I know this is the only possibly way it could be. I know it in my heart, and you know, if you poke me with a pin, I bet I'd bleed some of it out or just pop like a balloon and it'd go everywhere. But if you do that I'll be mad, so don't.
<-- Lycos gave me this but they're off by 4.9999999%!
