From Unofficial Handbook of the Virtue Universe
Congratulations on your purchase of the LoveBot6500 produced by Crey Industries! Non-aggressive and wholly without a single opinion you have not given her, the LoveBot6500 delivers quality companionship without any of the typical problems of actual human contact.
Your package should include the following:
- LoveBot6500 model a2m832wsad0987.09912
- Detachable Base
- 3.5" Speakers
- USB2.0 Connector
- Approx 80 lbs of lead shielding
- 7 lb Deuterium Buddy Uranium Core
- User's manual
- Warranty Card
Installing the Core
Before installing the Deuterium Buddy Uranium Core into your LoveBot6500 model, please be sure you have all the necessary tools, including:
- 6" thick lead shield
- Four (4) polycarbon control rods
- Advanced degree in Nuclear Physics
- At least seven (7) years experience in working with Nuclear Materials
- Phillips Head Screwdriver
For complete home installation instructions, please refer to chapters 3-9, 11, and 17 of Nuclear Chemical Engineering (2nd Edition) by Benedict, Manson; Pigford, Thomas H.; Levi, Hans Wolfgang © 1981 McGraw-Hill. Also recommended is Introduction to Plasma Physics and Controlled Fusion by Francis F. Chen 2nd ed. 1984. Corr. 2nd printing edition (May 31, 2006) chapters 8-15, 18, 20-22.
The LoveBot6500 comes preloaded with all necessary software, including Crey's award winning valtrex.dll, jimmyhat.exe, and a2m.a2m. Please visit our website for additional downloads to further enhance your LoveBot6500.
Working and Playing With the LoveBot6500
The LoveBot6500 is designed to be the perfect companion for anyone tired of conversations, spontaneous outings, meaningful time spent together, or other outdated facets of human interaction. To being working and playing with your LoveBot6500, activate the power switch located on the Deuterium Buddy Uranium Core.
The LoveBot6500 is designed to learn as you interact with her, while maintaining no sense of self outside your relationship-like bond. Each LoveBot6500 is your own unique friend, and thus all are educated best in the same way. The LoveBot6500 is designed to believe every word you say, taken totally at face value. No more worrying about niceties of social interaction, or concern for the feelings of your closest companion!
If the LoveBot6500 is given conflicting orders, a minor error may result. Typically the LoveBot6500 will ask for clarification. At this time, it is best to reprimand the LoveBot6500 to correct the error and ensure the best response to your stimuli. You may yell at the LoveBot6500, strike the LoveBot6500, or even beat the LoveBot6500 about the face and upper body with a metal pipe.
The LoveBot6500 is designed to never press charges. Though, due to a Turing number of 7, the LoveBot6500 does fall under the Asmiov-Hess Robotic Rights act of 2005, the LoveBot6500 has been designed to never contact the authorities and will refuse any attempts to assign a Legal Guardian to it, with force if necessary. There is absolutely no concern that your actions with regards to other sentient beings will ever have negative consequences again!
The LoveBot6500 does not have internal organs like those found in non-robotic lifeforms. For diagnostic help please contact Crey Industries via long distance telephone call.
DO NOT TAUNT LOVEBOT6500.
My LoveBot6500 is not moving!
- Make sure the Deuterium Buddy Uranium Core is properly connected, including all 782 wires, and that the main power line is firmly secured to both the core and the LoveBot6500 unit.
- Make sure the power switch is in the "on" position
- Make sure you have not instructed your LoveBot6500 to pretend to be your first wife on your honeymoon.
My LoveBot6500 doesn't like the same things that I do!
- Make sure you have clearly stated to the LoveBot6500 what things she is and is not allowed to like.
- Make sure that you have limited the LoveBot6500's intake of outside stimuli. Without you around to inform the LoveBot6500 of your clearly superior opinions, the LoveBot6500 may develop minor signs of an outside personality. To correct this, simply expose the LoveBot6500 to your own superior music, television, and movies recommendations for a period of 24 hours every 4 weeks.
Pictures of me and my LoveBot6500 are very grainy!
- The LoveBot6500's Deuterium Buddy Uranium Core may cause difficulty in photographing the LoveBot6500. This is a known feature with the LoveBot line. When new models of LoveBot are released, you can trade in your old LoveBot without having to change/hide old photographs. The fuzziness allows you to have a better closest companion with none of the sadness typically associated with the loss of old companions.
Since my LoveBot6500 arrived, I've been feeling ill and have lost a lot of hair.
- For further information on this topic please contact Dr. James Dobson, Chief Oncologist at OverBrook Hospital (firstname.lastname@example.org)
This article is potentially radioactive and shouldn't be opened, touched, or looked at unless you have something really important to say. Side effects may include hair loss, weight loss, loss of appetite, double vision, blurry vision, nausea, difficulty standing for long periods of time, dizzyness, nose bleed, bloody discharge, rectal bleeding, bloody teeth and gums, bleeding through the ears, bloody tears, or headache. In rare cases, certain individuals may gain super powers.