Hephaestus 1/Serv'd!

From Unofficial Handbook of the Virtue Universe

Backstory: A year after Hephaestus 1 had been sent to Paragon City from Chicago, the Chicago City Council pulled his funding. This was ostensibly done to bring the city's budget back in line, but like most things in Chicago, this has never been considered the real reason. As of now, the real reason is only rumored. The funding is what kept him in spare parts and maintenance time. So, Heph had to get a job. The Paragon PD couldn't hire him since he was already pulling a pension from another police department. He did, however, manage to stay in the law enforcement business, getting his private detective's license. He contracted out with the Rhode Island District Court system but even then, he wasn't making enough to stay functioning all the time. So, he got busy thinking up ways to infuse his accounts with money, and fast.

Reality television saved Hephaestus 1's life. He asked the courts to assign him to the process service liaison who handled Superhuman Affairs. Yes, even Statesman gets sued sometimes. Heph would work on the cases where the various superheroes and supervillains were less willing to accept the paperwork. Regular servers would usually come back injured, if at all. The bump in pay wasn't much better, either. Heph reasoned that since reality tv seemed to garner an audience no matter what crap was on the screen, who better than he to cash in on the fad? A&E Network was the first home to his show.

And now, without further ado, "Serv'd!"

Season 1, Episode 1

"Serv'd! is next on A&E."

Hephaestus 1 spent the day being followed by his cameraman and sound recorder. Ever since he had been asked to star in a reality tv show, Heph's life had been subject to all sorts of filming. The three of them walked into the Rhode Island District Court complex in Paragon City. Jake, the sound man, signaled that Heph should start talking.

"See, this is the problem with being a process server. You're either a private detective with nothing to do or a retired cop whose pension isn't enough. Either way, you're not making enough money to live comfortably. Well, I qualify on both counts. To make it worse, most process servers don't have any law enforcement powers, either. So, they call me in for the real problem children, the ones that regular server can't handle."

Hephaestus 1 struck a dramatic pose.

"That's right. I'm the specialist they can't do without. The go-to guy, the Pro from Dover, the sauce on the enchilada of justice!"

The camera and sound guys gave Heph a look.

"Some people have outrageous mullets. I'm a brain in a robot body. What were you expecting? Anyways, my contact here in the circuit clerk's office has a job for me."

Heph walked over to a desk behind the main counter and sat down with a big thump in a reinforced chair. The bald and heavyset man looked up with a start from his game of solitaire.

"Ah, *bleep* Heph! You about gave me a *bleep* heart attack!" Larry McGonigle clutched at his heart in an impressive display of histrionics. "I'm pushing sixty, and you pull that *bleep* on me? Where's the solidarity between retired cops? *bleep*!"

"Cry me a river, Lar," Heph said. "You said you had a new problem child in Salamanca Heights?"

Larry tapped a few buttons and moved the monitor around so the camera could see the troublemaker's picture. On the screen was an elderly lady wearing rhinestone glasses and a strand of pearls, smiling sweetly.

"Good Lord, Lar! NOT HER! Her pies are known worldwide for their destructively delicious potential!" Heph said.

Larry's eyes narrowed. "That's my MOTHER, Heph." He opened a new file. "THIS is the guy you're after."

Heph leaned on the desk. "Hmm, no, I've never heard about this guy's freshly-baked crimes against humanity."

"Okay, wiseguy, this is Morgoth Carter-Whatley. He recently moved into the Salamanca Heights neighborhood. Okay, well, his house appeared in the neighborhood in a ball of green flame and chants of 'Rise, Oranbega! Rise and conquer!' being sung in the background."

Heph scratched his head. "This is where you call in groups of heroes to fight off a mystic infestation."

"That's the problem. He's actually a good neighbor, or so everyone says."

"Then why am I serving him court papers?"

"Well, he's not following leash laws, and allowing his dogs to use his neighbors' yards as bathrooms."

"Dogs," Heph said.

"Well, that's what the complainants said."

"Tell me, Lar," Heph continued, "Are these dogs almost twenty feet tall, with cloven hooves, wings and breathe fire?"

"How did you know?" Larry asked.

"Those are demons, Lar, not dogs."

"Demons, dogs," Larry said, "both are apparently giant *bleep* factories. Now drop these papers off or heads will roll, got me? HEADS. WILL. ROLL."

Larry shoved a stack of papers into Heph's big metal hands, each page detailing one violation of city or county health and safety codes. The big blue cyborg thumbed gently through the pages to make sure everything was signed and sealed properly. Then he looked over to the camera.

"Larry here is prone to overdramatizing things. It's because he's always wanted to be in movies."

Larry poked Heph's armored chest. "I HAVE been in movies!"

"Those weren't movies, Lar, those were C-list abominations."

"Yeah? Well, everyone knows Larry McGonigle as the hot-tempered-but-fair police chief in 'Brick Landers IS Brick Torquewrench in NINJA KILL FORCE 3000!' and I always get asked about my career!"

Hephaestus 1 got up from the chair. "Right. You're still a retired cop with broken dreams, Lar. It's like me and my dream to unseat one of the three major breweries with my own brand of beer."

"At least audiences cheered when they saw me as the hot-tempered-but-fair county sheriff in 'Brick Landers IS Brick-375 Alpha in ASSAULT ON ROBOT PIMP CASTLE 5!'"

"I wish I had eyes to roll right now," Heph said to the camera as he walked out of the office.

"My name was on SIX DIFFERENT BLOGS when my role as a hot-tempered-but-fair crossdressing mime in 'Brick Landers IS Brick McBoudreaux in REDNECK PIRATE KUNG FU 8!' was the hottest topic at the Paragon Film Partners, Inc. Fan Forum! I am an ACTOR!"

Heph and his recording crew picked up the pace in case Larry tried following them. They got into the modified SUV that he used when on official court business.

"People don't like it when I drop out of the sky on their front porch. Especially if they have an awning or something. So, I drive this."

With that, they hit the exit ramp and were on their way to Salamanca Heights, a poor and unincorporated town near Salamanca. The crew passed a series of rundown trailer parks until they finally arrived at the house of Morgoth Carter-Whatley.

Well, it wasn't so much a house as a granite-block tower with some outbuildings and a white picket fence and flowerbeds leading to the sidewalk. Heph and his crew opened up the gate and walked to the door. They were accosted by a Behemoth halfway to the door, but one solid uppercut disrupted the demon's grasp on reality. Heph rang the doorbell. A delightful tune played on the bells.

"Fly Me to the Moon?" Heph said, vaguely disturbed.

"WHO DARES ENTER THE DOMAIN OF MORGOTH THE IMMORTAL?" a hollow voice boomed.

"My name is Hephaestus 1, and I'm with the Rhode Island District Courts! I'm here to inform you that you're being summoned--"

"NO MORTAL SUMMONS MORGOTH WITHOUT HIS PERMISSION!" the voice shouted.

"Not that kind of summoning, Gandalf! It's an order to appear in front of a district court judge!"

There was silence for a few moments.

"¿QUÉ? UHM... ¡SEÑOR MORGOTH NO VIVE AQUI! ¡VAMOS, UH, POR FAVOR!" the voice boomed again in an obvious falsetto.

Hephaestus 1 shook his head. "You've got to be *bleep* kidding me," he swore. "Look, Morgoth, your neighbors aren't trying to evict you, they just want you to keep your dogs on your property!"

"MY D... AHEM, ¿LOS PERROS DE SEÑOR MORGOTH?" the voice said in its obvious high pitch

Heph slammed his fist on the door. "OH COME ON, MAN! DO NOT MAKE ME HAVE TO DO SOMETHING THAT'S GUARANTEED TO GENERATE RATINGS!" he shouted. "I WILL DO SOMETHING SO OUTRAGEOUS THAT THEY'LL BE FORCED TO EDIT IT AND RUN THE UNEDITED VERSION ONLY ON DVD RELEASES!"

"OH, FINE," the voice boomed. The door opened, and an old man who seemed to be a cross between Mahatma Gandhi and Ming the Merciless looked up at Heph. "Oh! Are you the hero who's come to fight off my mystic incursion?"

"No," Hephaestus 1 said as he shoved the papers into the old man's evil wrinkled hands. "I'm here to make sure you get these papers. Your court date is set there and there, and failure to appear will cause a warrant for your arrest to be generated. Then a hero will come over and arrest you through use of physical violence."

"Oh, well, I don't want that," Morgoth said. "It's just that when I hear the word 'summon' I think 'By the Blood of Mu, who's going to try owning my soul now?' and you know how magicians can--"

Heph held up a hand. "Now is when you don't talk. You show up next Thursday, 10am, Room 220. Bring a lawyer. Face the angry stares of the old lady across the street who had to get her flowerbed exorcised and the suburban couple who had to explain to little Billy why the water in his pool was a funny color and screaming."

"How is that different from regular water in the sewers?"

"As valid a point as that may be, it was clean before your dogs got there," Heph said. "And please, leave your demon summoning activities inside your house."

"Bah! No one complains when people let their catgirls out!" Morgoth griped.

"That's because the catgirls own the houses they live in, jeez," Heph said.

"Wait, they're not only vaguely-sentient body-slaves?"

"No, they're normal people like you and me," Heph answered, the sun glinting off of his blue-anodized armored skin.

"Oh my. I said some horrible things about my neighbors, then," Morgoth said meekly.

Hephaestus 1 looked around the neighborhood. "You better learn to apologize quickly, then, because I'm sure you'll be seeing them in court."

"Oh, dear," Morgoth said. "I'm in trouble, aren't I?"

"Morgoth Carter-Whatley, you got SERV'D!" Heph said.

"Aaaaand cut," the cameraman said.

"All right, let me know when I need to come in for post-production," Heph said as the camera crew took their equipment back to the SUV. "Now, who wants lunch?"

(more to come)