Johnny Turbo/Turbo Time: Nuclear Kicks
From Unofficial Handbook of the Virtue Universe
((This is a fanfic of Johnny Turbo by @ItsTheSheppy. Character used without permission, though he also didn't say I COULDN'T write this, even though I mentioned it to him. Try to picture Johnny Turbo being played by a cross between George Clooney and Steven Segal))
As far as Johnny Turbo was concerned, Mount Rushmore was as good a place as any to have a hot makeout session.
“Oh my god, Johnny, you’re such a good kisser,” the smoking hot supermodel said.
“You’re the best out of my fifteen girlfriends,” Johnny Turbo said.
“Really?”
“Hah! No. I lied. You’re third,” Johnny said, holding up three fingers. She looked disappointed, so Johnny leaned closer and said, “But practice makes perfect, Sandra.”
“Tanya.”
“Whatever.”
They made out a little more. It was really, really hot.
“Oh Johnny, this is the most magical day ever. Flying me up here to Mount Rushmore on your Turbocopter, after buying me 500 diamonds you yourself mined from a volcano… you’re amazing.”
Johnny was about to correct her and tell her that she wasn’t giving him nearly enough credit when his cell phone went off. The ringtone, by the way, is ‘Highway to the Danger Zone’.
“What?” Johnny said. Johnny never says ‘hello’.
“Johnny Turbo, this is the president.”
“Of what?”
“America.”
“Whatever. I’m busy having a hot makeout session with…”
"Tanya," said Tanya.
“… Tanya. You know, the model?”
“Dude, that’s hot,” said the president.
“I know, right?”
“Paragon city needs your help, Johnny!” shouted the president. “An ancient tribe of super-ninjas from the planet Mars have invaded earth and are trying to steal the Atlas statue from Atlas Park! We’ve sent every superhero we can think of to stop them, but nothing has worked. I just saw Statesman sobbing! We need you, Johnny. America needs you! EARTH needs you!”
“What?” asked Johnny, who was looking at himself in a hand mirror.
“Ninjas, Johnny! Get to Paragon!”
“I’ll be right there. Prepare for me a steak when I arrive.”
Johnny hung up the phone and looked at the smoking hot supermodel whose name he couldn’t remember. “Babe, I need to save planet earth… again.”
“But what about our awesome makeout session?”
“Another time, babe.” Johnny turned towards the setting sun, shedding a single tear. “Another time.”
He got ready to run when she said, “Johnny, won’t you take your Turbochopper?”
“WHAT?!” Johnny shouted. “I’m Johnny Turbo! I don’t need some stupid flying whirligig!” Johnny kicked the blue-and-white helicopter and it went flying over the edge of the mountain and exploded on George Washington’s head.
Then Johnny ran to Paragon City at superspeed.
When he arrived, he saw that the ninjas had taken over! And not only were they ninjas, but they were also wearing rocket boots so they were FLYING ninjas. Johnny was unimpressed.
“Lame!” he said. The ninjas looked at him.
“You’re Johnny Turbo!” one of the ninjas yelled. “We know that even though we’re from Mars, because you’re galaxy-famous.”
“Psh, I know, right?” Johnny said, checking the time, hoping he doesn’t miss Jeopardy.
“Well, you’re too late, Johnny Turbo!” said the rocket-boot wearing hover-ninja. “Because as you can see, we are stealing the Atlas statue and there isn’t anything you can do about it! Muwahahaa!” All the ninjas started laughing, which made Johnny Turbo really mad.
“That’s MY statue, ninjas. It belongs to me and America in THAT ORDER. So you better get on out of here before I kick each and every one of you in the face so hard you stop being ninjas and become lawyers or something.”
“We’re hovering space-ninjas, Johnny Turbo! Your famous Johnny Kicks are nothing to us! Watch as we shoot you with lasers!” The ninjas all took out alien ray guns and shot lasers at Johnny Turbo.
“Fat chance, lamers!” Johnny shouted. He then did a totally sweet backflip half-spin and roundhouse kicked the lasers, which made them fly back at the ninjas (because of refraction). The lasers hit the ninjas’ guns and made them all explode with huge firey explosions.
“Our ninja guns!” one of the ninjas shouted, crying a little and wetting himself.
“And now it’s TURBOTIME!” Johnny Turbo shouted, as the press all took pictures and starting writing headlines even before the fight began.
Johnny ran and jumped at superspeed. The ninjas never stood a chance. They tried to use martian kung-fu but all it got them was kicked in the face FASTER. There were lasers and explosions everywhere. Johnny kicked one ninja and he flew through a billboard. He kicked another and he flew into five more ninjas and they all went flying into a gasoline truck, making it explode with a huge boom and with fire everywhere and it was awesome.
Suddenly the space ninjas counterattacked with rocket launchers! One of the missiles hit Johnny’s chin and exploded because anything that touches Johnny’s chin reacts like matter meeting anti-matter. Johnny took out a magazine and started reading it even as he blocked a karate kick and spin-kicked a ninja so hard the ninja went flying into space and hit the moon and made the moon’s orbit about thirty feet wider.
(It should be noted here that during the course of the fight, eighty-two super hot girls watching the fight had orgasms just from watching and NOTHING ELSE.)
Soon all the ninjas were laying on the ground and groaning in pain (the ones Johnny hadn’t kicked to the moon). Johnny was about to make everyone buy him hamburgers when the boss ninja showed up. He was a dragon, too, by the way. A dragon with a ninja facemask and nunchucks the size of telephone poles, but a lot thicker and heavier and the dragon is also TOTALLY GOOD at them.
Johnny Turbo looked at the dragon and said, “Hideous beast, you should return to Mars FROM WHICH YOU CAME!”
The dragon said, “But I need the Atlas statue to build my warp drive inducer engines for our doomship to invade earth with MORE NINJAS.”
“Then I guess we will have to have a huge super-fight,” Johnny said, shrugging dramatically for the cameras. (Every TV channel in the world is tuned to this fight, by the way, and all wars the world across have stopped so people could watch.)
The dragon did a big dragon roar with fire and everything and lunged at Johnny with his nunchucks and a samurai sword he was holding in his tail. Johnny was almost scared (not really) and blocked the nunchucks with his wrists and trapped the sword between his teeth.
“You are too strong!” the alien ninja dragon cried.
“I’m Johnny Turbo, BITCH!” Johnny said, jumping and doing a 1600 degree spin, roundhouse kicking the dragon in the face, making the dragon explode into a hundred pieces that went flying off in all directions, and then the pieces exploded too, but with candy.
Johnny Turbo dusted his hands off. “Well, I guess that’s it for the ninjas.”
“Johnny, you saved us!” everyone in the crowd (about 500,000 people) yelled at once. Johnny turned and waved, even as motel room keys, panties, and hundred dollars bills were thrown at him. “All in a day’s work, people of earth. And now, I need to ride my motorcycle!”
And then Johnny rode his motorcycle into the sunset.
The end.
