Johnny Turbo/Turbo Time: Rad Robot Rampage
From Unofficial Handbook of the Virtue Universe
((This is a Johnny Turbo fanfic by @Galactoman.))
"Wow Johnny Turbo, I can't believe you just chugged a hundred beers," said Angelina Jolie. "I totally want to make out with you now."
Johnny Turbo grinned, smashing the 100th can on his forehead. It had been a good day. He had already arrested Lord Nemesis for good, won the Rikti War via an arm-wrestling contest, set the world record for the 100-yard dash (0.0000000000001 of a second), and pantsed Lord Recluse in front of EVERYBODY. He was just about to totally make out with Angelina Jolie in their fancy hotel room when he noticed The Turbosignal shining brightly above City Hall. It was hard not to notice The Turbosignal; The Turbosignal is so awesome that just looking at it gave like twelve girls orgasms that night.
After she finished totally orgasming from looking at The Turbosignal, Angelina Jolie said: "Johnny! There must be trouble at City Hall!" But Johnny was already gone, along with all the rest of the beer, and the towels, and everything that was in the minibar. Johnny can run WICKED fast, for serious. Once she realized Johnny was gone, Angelina Jolie started to cry, because she REALLY wanted to make out with him. Bad.
Johnny Turbo sped into the mayor's office, wearing a bathrobe and eating an eight-dollar thing of cashews. "WHATTUP, MAYOR?!" he said, spraying crumbs all over the mayor's face.
The mayor just pretended not to notice the crumbs, because he didn't want Johnny to kick him through the wall or something. "OMG, Johnny Turbo," said the mayor, "a giant robot from the center of the Earth just kidnapped Statesman, the President, and every girl in Rhode Island named 'Becky'!"
"Damn, Statesman and the President are such WIMPS!" said Johnny, laughing about what wimps Statesman and the President are. Johnny then turned dramatically towards the TV cameras (the media follows him twenty-four hours a day because he's always doing such awesome stuff), threw the empty thing of cashews to the floor, made a wicked serious face, gritted his teeth, and said: "No robot needs that many Beckies. It's time to go... to the center of the Earth. LATER, MAYOR!" Johnny then did a backflip out the window and landed in The Turbomobile. It was so awesome that everybody cheered, and a lot of women divorced their husbands for not being as awesome as Johnny Turbo.
When Johnny pulled The Turbomobile up next to the center of the Earth, the door was locked... and the lock was really, really big. The door was really, really big too. But Johnny kicked through it like it was made out of paper, or legos, or lime jello, or that thing he kicked really hard that one time. He entered the center of the Earth - which looked like the inside of a big castle or something - and flexed his muscles.
"OMG, It's Johnny Turbo!" said Statesman.
"OMG, It's Johnny Turbo!" said the President.
"OMG, It's Johnny Turbo!" said the giant robot.
"OMG, It's Johnny Turbo!" said the Beckies.
"That's it, giant robot," said Johnny, pointing at the giant robot. "You're going DOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWN." He said the last word real loud and slowly to make it sound more awesome, and the giant robot looked really scared, but then looked really mad.
"You're not that awesome!" screamed the giant robot. "I'm gonna punch you with my giant robot fists!" Then the giant robot punched Johnny Turbo with his giant robot fists.
"That tickled!" said Johnny Turbo, and everyone except for the giant robot laughed really, really hard.
Johnny did a totally amazing spin-kick and kicked both of the giant robot's arms off.
"Wow, that spin-kick was totally amazing! Can I have your autograph?!" squealed Statesman. "Maybe later," Johnny replied. "NOT!" Everyone except for Statesman laughed really, really hard. Even the giant armless robot.
"Enough of this jibber-jabber!" yelled the giant armless robot when he was done laughing at Johnny's awesome joke. "Unless America gives me a million-billion dollars, I'm gonna' stomp on all these Beckies!"
Johnny Turbo glared at the giant armless robot, staring him down. For like two hours. When Johnny finally spoke, he said:
"Giant armless robot from the center of the Earth... You won't get your million-billion dollars, and you won't hurt ANY of those Beckies. Because there's one thing you're forgetting about me."
"Oh yeah? What?" asked the giant armless robot, looking worried.
"I'M JOHNNY FRICKIN' TURBO!"
Suddenly, a wicked awesome bolt of lightning struck Johnny Turbo, and he transformed into a vampire dragon holding a katana, and he totally bit the giant armless robot's head off. Then he spit the head out and turned back into Johnny Turbo.
"OMG, THAT WAS AWESOME!" said everybody who still had a head. Then Johnny made out with all the Beckies except for the ugly ones, and Statesman and the President high-fived eachother.
Later that night, as Johnny was flying to Japan in The Turbojet, he said to himself: "That WAS awesome... BUT IT STILL WON'T KEEP DRUGS OFF THE STREETS!" Then he started to cry, but in a manly way.
The End?
