Ninja Lawyer
From Unofficial Handbook of the Virtue Universe
| |
| Assassin at Law! Lawyer at Death! | |
| Ninja Lawyer | |
| Player: @SusieBot | |
| Origin: | Natural |
|---|---|
| Archetype: | Mastermind |
| Threat Level: | 9 |
| Personal Data | |
| Real Name: | Unknown |
| Known Aliases: | Dirtbag, Scum Monkey, Ambulance Cha-gasp-choke-death! |
| Species: | Human |
| Age: | Confidential |
| Height: | 6' 2" |
| Weight: | 180 lbs |
| Eye Color: | Blue |
| Hair Color: | Unknown |
| Biographical Data | |
| Nationality: | U.S. Citizen |
| Occupation: | Attorney, Ninja |
| Place of Birth: | Unknown |
| Base of Operations: | St. Martial, the Rogue Isles |
| Marital Status: | Unknown |
| Known Relatives: | Unknown |
| Known Powers | |
| None | |
| Known Abilities | |
| Lawyering, Ninjaing | |
| Equipment | |
| Ninja Briefcase | |
| No additional information available. | |
We've seen criminals in Paragon City, and we've seen heroes bust them. But what happens then? Who defends the accused? The answer, to me, seemed pretty obvious...a truly villainous villain is not going to settle for an average lawyer. He or she is going to need...a NINJA LAWYER!
Contents |
Personality
How can you tell that a Ninja Lawyer is lying? His mouth is open. The motto of Funekoshi, Tamagawa, and Goldstein (FT&G) is "We will do whatever...WHATEVER it takes to win your case." Living by this credo requires a certain degree of moral flexibility. FT&G's Assassin/Attorneys will lie, cheat, flatter, seduce, and suck up to whoever is required to win their case. If these tactics are not effective, then more dire legal action may be required.
And by "dire legal action", we mean poison-tipped shuriken. To the face.
Abilities
Attorney
FT&G recruits from the finest law schools in the United States, and the requirements for becoming a member of the clan/firm are extremely high. It is not enough to be an excellent lawyer -- candidates for FT&G's junior partner program must be physically fit, perceptive, possess super-human reflexes, and be able to slay a dragon using weapons fashioned from their own body hair.
Upon passing the state bar examination, FT&G recruits are whisked away to the FT&G dojo, secreted high in the mountains of Japan. For a year, they are rigorously trained in the secret art of the Ninja. For the next year, they are trained in the forbidden arts of Ninja Law. These arts can not be disclosed here -- committing the secrets of Ninja Law to paper is impossible, as they fly in the very face of physical reality, and would unmake the universe.
A fully-trained Ninja Lawyer can object with such power that the opposing attorney will spontaneously burst into flames. He can will evidence out of existence. He can infiltrate the jury while delivering his closing argument...to himself.
Ninja
The less said about the ancient, mysterious art of Ninjitsu, the better. No, don't even ask.
Equipment
Ninja Briefcase
Every FT&G Ninja Lawyer carries a briefcase. This briefcase contains the implements required to practice ninja law: notepads, pencils, pens, shuriken, collapsible katana, various poisons, darts, and a ninja bow containing a variety of arrows. These arrows range from the typical "pointy" variety, to arrows laden with incredible ninja payloads such as glue, oil, nets, and poison gas. When pressed, a Ninja Lawyer can fire himself from the bow, applying the "fifty iron fingers" technique to become a deadly, man-sized ninja projectile.
Associates
Ninja Law Teams
Ninja Lawyers seldom travel alone -- the practice of Ninja Law requires the utmost concentration, leaving tasks such as paperwork, preparing coffee, or killing witnesses to lesser Ninja Legal Staff. A Ninja Lawyer will generally travel with at least one Ninja Clerk. As a Ninja Lawyer moves upward in the clan, he may be rewarded with additional Ninja Staff. Partners may even travel with staff specialized in extra-dimensional law. These specialized consultants are usually bound demons, and to gaze upon them is to lose one's soul.
Character History
The Origin of Funekoshi, Tamagawa, and Goldstein
At the height of the Tokugawa shogunate, it became increasingly common for rebellious daimyo to be eliminated via assassination and political machination, rather than messier solutions such as war and invasion. However, these elimination led to troublesome questions of inheritance law, with various relatives scrabbling over the unclaimed fiefdom. As a service to the Shogunate, two enterprising Ninja Clans -- the Tamagawa clan, and the elusive Goldstein clan -- partnered with the Funekoshi legal group to provide a specialized service: ninja law.
By applying the mystical, secretive art of Ninjitsu to the already shadow-shrouded practice of law, FT&G created an art that was so black, so evil, that its practitioners' shadows cast shadows. Picture, if you will, a summons that would instantaneously banish the person served to a demon-infested realm of eternal suffering. Yeah, buddy...you've been served.
Eventually, the Tokugawa shogunate found the Ninja Lawyers so threatening that they had to be eliminated. Fortunately, the only thing that can kill a Ninja Lawyer is another Ninja Lawyer. However, without funding from the Shogunate, and not wishing to kill every man, woman, and child in Japan, FT&G moved on to greener pastures. They moved to Europe (once suing the entire population of Lichtenstein, striking an entire generation of Lichtensteinians mute and blind in one eye), before eventually settling in the United States.
FT&G Today
With the emergence of super-heroes (and super-villains), FT&G found their niche. Eventually, the firm specialized entirely in super-human law, abandoning the arena of average-human law on the grounds that the puny hearts of ordinary lawyers would burst at the mere mention of a Ninja Lawyer. From their many-steepled temple far outside of Paragon City, Ninja Lawyers began defending the most vile, repugnant, and utterly loathesome criminals in Paragon City...and generally getting them off with time served.
Eventually, FT&G opened a branch in the Rogue Isles, so as to better serve their main customer base. This new branch is relatively under-staffed, but their goal is clear: with visions of re-creating their glory during the Tokugawa shogunate, FT&G wishes to be the primary legal representation for Lord Recluse and Arachnos.
Creator Notes & Trivia
- There have been several iterations of Ninja Lawyer, all of whom have been deleted at one point or another due to the incredible pain of being Ninja/TA (as opposed to the cakewalk of Merc/Traps or Necro/Dark). Perhaps this one will endure.
- Ninja Lawyer could die at any moment, and be replaced with another Ninja Lawyer. This is why he is referred to only as "Ninja Lawyer" and not "The Ninja Lawyer", or "Bob, the Ninja Lawyer".
- It is my intent to write stories detailing ninja law cases. Watch this space for more details. Really.
- Several of my characters perform mundane tasks in a super world, as I find the topic fascinating. Lawyer for supers? Insurance adjuster for supers? Used car salesman for supers? Maybe not that last one.
- Ninja Lawyer is obviously of the "Tick School of Too-Obvious Super-Hero Jokes".
- While we're being honest, Ninja Lawyer was definitely informed by "Ask a Ninja", and relies heavily on the idea that a ninja can do anything...because he's a ninja.
