Operative McHale

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Photo taken by Ouro Acolyte
Blackweb Operative
Operative McHale
Origin: Natural
Archetype: Arachnos Soldier
Threat Level: 50
Real Name: Jackson Daniel McHale
Known Aliases: Jack, Jay, Mc'Ale, Pigeon, Jackie Boy, Dumbass with an Armada on his Spine, "Jackson Manly"
Nationality: American
Occupation: Crab Spider Longfang, ex-Mall Cop, ex-Bartender, ex-Pornographic Actor
Place of Birth: New Jersey
Base of Operations: Blackweb Headquarters, a parking garage in Port Oakes, all over the Isles.
Marital Status: Involved (Naomi Garcia)
Known Relatives: Parents: Louis and Gina McHale Brother: Mike McHale Sister: Dr. Laura McHale. Friends: Diego and Maria Nunez, Mitraillette, Tozi, Falcon.
Physical Data
Species: Human
Age: 24 (4.27.1984- )
Height / Weight : 6'7" / 180 lbs (Without legs), 225 (With)
Eye / Hair Color: Brown / Brown
Known Powers
None, Crab Spider Pack
Known Abilities
Minimal combat training; Natural psychic resistance; Quick run speed; Ability to consume inhuman amounts of food; excellent cook and bartender.
Crab Spider Legs, recovered from a Meat Doctor. Wolf Spider Armor. Arachnos issued gun, Omega Teleporter and Arachnobot Control and Teleportation Device.
WARNING: Low intelligence, Crab Pack has gained sentience. Jack seems to be aware of a world beyond ours that he glimpses due to years of drinking and toking.
Updated: 10/10/2010 - Player: @Hostile V

"He did WHAT?!"
"Uh.....official report here says he....held up a Smash'N'Grab."
"......why the fuck would he do that?!"
"Munchies sir."
".....the munchies?"
"Yes sir. He went AWOL from training and held up the establishment. His gun wasn't even loaded, he left with three shopping carts full of burgers, fries and soda."
"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF SOLDIER?!" *sputtering, choking noise that resembles a tractor full of butter* "SWALLOW THEN TALK SOLDIER!"
--Official transcript between the operative, his commander and his drill sergeant that led to him TPing his commander's bunk.


Early Life

"Jack seems to have the intelligence normally exerted by the janitor on a daily basis. Coincidentally, the janitor hates Jack for making his job harder. In all, I recommend that Jack go into a career that doesn't involve machinery more complex than a toaster. Do you REALLY want to scrape the bottom of the crap barrel?"
--Official college recommendation by Jack's guidance counselor.

Born on a bright cold day in April as the clocks struck one, Jackson Daniel McHale was brought into the world kicking and screaming. Raised in a working class family in north Jersey and playing close second to his genius sister Laura, Jack grew to be a slightly dumb young man. After barely graduating community college despite 2 parking tickets, 18 drinking offenses and 27 counts of indecent exposure, Jack went on to raise money for bar-tending school by performing (with a few starring roles) in over 15 pornographic films under the name Jackson Manly. After failing at bar-tending he used the last of his cash to get a job as a mall-cop where he successfully worked for three years. After quitting his job in anger after learning that he could not aim his gun at minor offenders or minors, Jack tried to join the NRA. Unfortunately, he mistook the Arachnos booth for the NRA booth and was quickly abducted by special forces for training.


"So I'm hanging out in my bunk, right? And my damn roommate comes in with a WHOLE crate of VENOM grenades. Son of a bitch said he was clean, guess he wanted a quick fix or something. Anyway, I run like hell while he seals the room and pulls ALL of the pins. Is it true he's paralyzed and needs a machine to breathe now?"
--Official transcript of Jack regarding the "Venom Grenade Incident".

"User must not inhale. For tactical use only. Inhalation may lead to adverse effects such as lung failure, cerebral damage and death."
--Official disclaimer now displayed on all VENOM grenades and launching systems.

Quickly sent off to Training Camp 26-C (Home of the infamous Cross-Dressing Widows), a very confused Jack was given partner after partner who were either killed, disfigured or incapacitated by their own actions. In his time in training Jack: seduced many male Widows by accident, snuck into the women's showers with a stolen Bane Cloak, robbed a drive-thru, threw a rave in the armory, accidentally set the shooting range on fire with "napalm bullets", TP'd his commander's bunk and formed half-assed fireworks from stolen weapons and grenades that destroyed half of the camp. Frustrated and just plain pissed off, his commander kicked Jack out the door with just two months of training and sent him into Wolf Spider Unit 478.

Suicide Spiders

"Subject has an irrational fear of bears and other large carnivorous animals. He also refuses to stop picking at the scar left by surgery. Subject has also taken to drinking and smoking marijuana vehemently, his bunk smells like a Tijuana bordello. In short, he's coping much better than the rest.
--Official report on SS Subject #572.

Unit 478 was quickly designated as a dumping ground for incompetent soldiers who didn't die in training and was later turned into a testing ground for Arachnos experiments. Jack was initiated into a top-secret program, Operation: Suicide Spider, where a powerful but small bomb was implanted into his chest. The logic of the program was that captured soldiers could explode and heavily damage Longbow fortresses, and Jack became one of the few soldiers who survived for more than three months. Driven to the point of psychosis by depression and his realization that he was a pawn, Jack eventually took up marijuana as a means to calm himself. After a long binge of drinking, drugs and a tattoo (a grinning spider with a stick of TNT on its back), Jack snapped and went completely AWOL with his rifle, eventually holding the project leader hostage and demanding release from the program. Instead, Jack was transferred yet again.


"Upon examination, Jack seems to be a mess on the inside. His liver smells like a German brewery, he's got a broken knife blade in his left leg, two bullets in his left lung (seems to be self inflicted), an odd waffle iron-shaped scar on his right ass cheek, a tattoo on his right bicep and what seems to be half a....um.....spork (?) wedged in between two ribs. He's currently hopped up on morphine, preparing for surgery. Claims he wants his spork back."
--Official audio log during his pre-Crab Pack installation examination.

Jack fulfills a unique niche in Blackweb as the experienced moron: gifted in cooking, bar-tending, smoking pot, killing and doing nothing. Eventually losing his bomb in a teleporter accident, Jack still lives the life he wants by confounding those around him and scaring them with the noises he makes when he eats sandwiches. Even after receiving the Crab Pack (and nearly deafening all on the communicator with his screams) Jack still remains the offbeat dumbass he always was, occasionally becoming a psychotic killing machine from his training under Arachnos and outside mercenaries. But in the end, he'd rather get high and relax with a big sandwich and a hot woman.

He respects most of Blackweb's higher-ups and members. Jack feels slight awe (mostly fear) towards "Captain" Falcon, who's threatened to kill him no less than 14 times. Jack is friendly with Tozi (refers to him as "Pigeon", claiming "You're easily ruffled and always running around".), afraid of the chain but not afraid to go drinking or have random, often bizarre, conversations with her. He reveres the mercenary Mitraillette for teaching him to be a better warrior without killing him. Jack thinks of Leia as a little sister, always watching out for her and wanting to play with her. He's very friendly with Azuka and has helped her accept her Pack in his own way (not harming her in any way, shape or form to his relief). In all, he's kinda happy he's with legends like Tozi or Falcon (although Jack himself is spoken of in training as one of the few idiots to pass training and live, elevating him to a pseudo-cult status).


"For the love of God Jack, if you are going to vomit like that TURN OFF THE DAMN COMMUNICATOR!"
--Official orders given to him by commanding officer.

He possesses a wide array of emotions, most of which are rolled into his normal goofy demeanor. Jack can easily go the full course though, from a propensity for extremely violent blood-lust to an inconsolable crying mess. He's also adept at flirting with women, mostly coming off as slightly suave and mostly dumb. The only inherent problem with his womanizing tendencies is that all attempts at being monogamous and faithful backfire horribly. In all, he runs the gauntlet of emotion but his primary emotion is that of a slightly dim, well meaning soldier.


"I don't know why the hell they call me 'Lumber Jack' but so help me God, it makes me feel like taking an axe to them."
--He would later realize the meaning about five minutes later.

Physically, Jack is tall and not exactly muscular. While strong and in shape, he lacks rippling muscles like most heroes of villains. He keeps his brown hair cut close to his head, not liking when it gets too long. He's been described as "pretty good looking. Not handsome, but he's a very attractive man." Other defining characteristics are his Suicide Spiders tattoo, a large scar on his chest and a scar from a waffle iron on his rear. The most defining characteristic is his beard; longer than the average goatee but still short, though it does cover most of his lower face.

For armor Jack wears a spare Wolf Spider suit that was originally to be used for desert infiltration and combat, hence its color of black and sand. Casually, Jack currently wears cargo pants and a red sweater that makes him look like Riker from Star Trek. For dressy occasions (or just because) he has a nice grey suit; for not-so-dressy he can run around in just boxers. Jack sometimes alludes to a ridiculous uniform he has from college that includes "a drinking kilt, body paint and a fauxhawk". This has yet to be seen.


"For the love of God Jack, do NOT use a chainsaw to slice turkey!"
--Recorded in Home Ec class, Junior year.

Jack is incredibly resistant to psychic abilities, his mind shrouded by what seems to be music. The music increases in volume when his mind is probed/assaulted, and he has to focus to lower the defense. It's been recorded that he's accidentally made Fortunatas cry when they try to probe him without consent. The music is often referred to as "the best of R.E.M. at a decibel reserved to jet-engines".

Jack is a skilled chef and bar-tender and is adept at giving massages. He tends to be masterful with his hands, from cleaning guns to juggling.

Still, don't be fooled. Despite his background, Jack is a good shot and a very competent soldier when he puts his mind to it. Having Swiss doesn't help enemies in his path much either.

Jack has currently come into a bit of luck for his work, being allowed to command a small platoon of Spiderlings and Arachnobots he refers to as "McHale's Army". His rationale behind the name is "They can't swim and I never saw that damn show. So stop asking."


"-If we could leave, we would. Until then, we're stuck with genius here.-"
--The Crab Spider Pack referred to as "Swiss"

At a glance, it looks like Jack has a perfectly normal Crab Pack. That illusion lasts until it talks. No one knows who made it, but it was found in the hands of a Freakshow Meat Doctor. Analysis reveals that the Pack contains refined Freaks materials, Crey security systems, a few arcane inscriptions, a Malta device of unknown use and a Sky Pirates Jump Bot AI, all worked into a Crab Pack shell. Jack was selected to be the recipient after previous examinations of his fortitude and skill.

Unfortunately, Jack's demeanor and intelligence bring out the worst in his Pack. Bitter, cynical and sardonic all describe Swiss (named for the brand of army knife) who is generally belligerent and sarcastic to Jack and anyone he feels like talking to. Originally, Swiss communicated through Morse Code in a skittish way, tapping his messages with the claws. Since the recognition of his sentience and subsequent tests on the Pack, Swiss has managed to acquire a voice synthesizer and uses stock sound effects to convey emotion.

Their relationship is symbiotic, like a Warshade. Swiss needs Jack for mobility and use of his systems, and Jack needs Swiss or else he will be missing a large portion of his spine and his firepower. Of course, this doesn't stop them from bickering and fighting, bad conversations occasionally ending with Jack trying to wrestle his own claws.


Main theme song: "When the Trickster Starts A-Pokin'" by Gogol Bordello

Relationship w/Naomi: "Golden Brown" by The Stranglers

Combat: "Face Omelette" by Master Shake and Nashville Pussy

When Drunk: "Nude Love" by Master Shake

When Clubbing/Trying to Get Lucky: "I Bet You Look Good on the Dancefloor" by Artic Monkeys

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