Ode to Wonder

The Komturei

The night lingered on... Evidently Jayden’s inability to sleep had worn off on the young hero, and Jace found himself up and milling about his room. He felt uneasy. His mind roaming the vast psychological desert of uncertainty and isolation he’d grown so accustomed to. Even still, this time felt different.

“You should be asleep,” said a voice at the door.

“Lords of Kobol!!!!” Jace cried and he shuddered as a chill passed through him. Scowling at his new visitor he said, “Dude, seriously Key! You scared the crap out of me!”

The serene monk smiled and put his hands behind his back. “Had you been less preoccupied you would have sensed my presence and I would not have been able to startle you.” He tilted his head slightly and offered, “But I do apologize for the rude interruption.”

“I’m not a freakin Jedi, man!” Jace sighed and looked away settling back into his couch. “But it’s cool.”

“I’ve noticed that when you say ‘it’s cool’ you very rarely mean it...” He leaned forward and looked around the room. “May I come in?”

Jace nodded and waved him in. “Just not in the mood for any deep talks, okay?”

“Understood,” said the bald monk as he crossed into the room. He knelt down on his knees and placed his hands on his thighs opposite the onyx-eyed teen. “You’re up late...”

“Yeah... I can’t sleep... Obviously...” Jace wasn’t exactly moping, but he clearly had things on his mind.

“Have you tried writing some music? It tends to relax you...” Key grinned a little.

“That’s the first thing I did man... I got a verse and nothing else will come. I’m all bogged down.” Jace’s brows lowered over his eyes and allowed himself to brood a little.

“Are you unhappy?” Key had no judgment in his tone but also no condescending concern. He simply stated the question flatly.

“No... Maybe a little, but not really.” The young man shifted on the sofa and put his head on the armrest. “I just feel... Stupid. And pretty insignificant I think.”

“Your estimation of your own intelligence is lacking. You are not stupid. And your significance can’t reasonably be quantified from any source but your own meandering heart. Only you can fulfill a personal search for significance.” Keys words came out in a steady flow, his baritone voice evoking peace and calm.

Jace slowly turned his head to Key and deadpanned, “That was entirely too Jedi Master, even for you.” He reached over his head and picked up his soccer ball from the table and began tossing it into the air and catching it in a steady rhythm. “Obi Wan would be proud... Yoda even...”

Key cocked his head, perplexed. “You keep saying this...’jedi’. I’m not familiar with...”

“Nevermind. I forgot you were the most sheltered human on any earth...ever.” Jace stopped tossing the ball for a moment and looked at Key. “Sorry man. I know you’re just trying to help.” He sighed and continued tossing the ball. “It’s just there’s a lot going on and I’m starting to feel a little overwhelmed.”

“That’s interesting,” said Key offhandedly. “I’ve sensed a growing connection in you for the past few weeks. Where once you stood...in opposition to the flow of relationships around you, you’ve allowed yourself to be moved.”

“Maybe that’s the problem. When it’s only just me, that’s all I have to deal with. Just me... I can fly around healing people’s cuts and bruises in the city and feel good about myself... Lately...” Jace sighed again dropped the soccer ball in his lap. “I dunno. I feel like I’m causing more problems than I’m solving and even the one’s not directly related to me are so far above my paygrade that I stand around like a Rikti Monkey when people talk like grown-ups... I’m just losing sight of my goal or something... Either that or the goal posts keep moving. There’s this really huge stuff going on around me and I’m realizing... I’m no hero! I’m just some dumb singer!”

“Do you always feel so sorry for yourself?” Key smirked and cocked his head, waiting for an answer.

Jace smiled despite himself. “Real cool, dude... I’m talking to you and you make effing fun of me. Nice.”

Key returned the smile. “I’m only here to help. But go head,” he tagged on seriously, “Break it down for me. Perhaps I can impart some perspective.”

Jace didn’t need much in the way of encouragement and the words fell out in a rush. “Ok, so first off... There’s Jayden, right? We only just started...’hanging out’ and now I guess he’s my boyfriend.” A smile crept up the side of Jace’s mouth as he said it and his cheeks turned pink. “Which, your probably thinking is a good thing... And it is! I mean, it really is.” The young man’s smile stretched across his face as thoughts of the warlock passed through his head. “And when we’re just hanging out or talking it’s really cool. But...”

The tattooed monk leaned in and repeated, “But?”

“He’s got stuff goin’ on... I mean, MAGI has him at meetings all the time and he’s in charge of O.M.G and all the stuff his grandmother left for him to do, and then this dude shows up tonight and they start talking about the Well of the Furies and stuff...” Jace shook his head incredulously and bounced the ball up once before catching and replacing it in his lap. “That’s all really heavy stuff. He’s like...important. I sorta feel like I’m in the way...”

“Has he said as much? Does he indicate that your relationship with him is a distraction from the things he has to do?” Key asked the questions compassionately but openly.

“No... Not at all. But he wouldn’t.” Jace paused a moment before continuing. “I just feel so far behind him in regards to...big...stuff. He’s connected in the city and he knows, like, everybody... I’m just me. When that Albert dude was talking to us about Praetoria and the Well and all the magic stuff goin’ nuts in Croatoa, I just felt like a dumbass.”

“So learn... There is nothing stopping you from making yourself more aware of...”

Jace sat up suddenly and bounced the ball off the floor with frustration infused force. He caught it on its return and said, “Dude, I’m already in school and trying to train with you and trying to have a life, man! How much more can a person do? I mean, I asked Jayden to teach me about magic too and that is probably already more than either of us have time for. I'm making all these plans and I feel like I’m just falling under them!”

“You sound overwhelmed...”

Jace nodded, and leaned back. “Told you I was, already.” A memory passed his obsidian eyes and he didn’t hold back. “And speaking of school... We had this whole lesson about sacrifice as it relates to being a hero... About how, in order to be a hero you have to give up a normal life and you can’t focus on personal stuff...like relationships. I kinda got into it with my professor. He basically said that if we are gonna save the freakin’ world I shouldn’t have a boyfriend.”

“There are benefits to being... solely committed to one’s cause. I can see that.” Key straightened a little and folded his hands in his lap. “My training was similar in theme. I’m afraid I can’t be of much insight on that subject as I’m... Still working through my own personal dogma...”

“The suckiest part is...the professor made sense... What if not only am I a huge pointless distraction to Jayden’s purpose, but he’s one to mine too...” Jace’s expression fell.

“I can see why you would be troubled,” the monk said compassionately.

“No hold up, man! There’s more!” The teen leaned forward on the couch and started talking more with his hands, emphasizing the more important words with gestures. “Ok so I told you about Cid... He was, like, becoming a real friend...my best friend...real quick. Well, then he up and vanishes! Like literally his brother said he left and he was gone! He never said bye, he didn’t text me, he didn’t even put a post-it on the wall.”

“Have you tried to contact him?” Key’s expression gave nothing away.

“Yeah, I texted him and he didn’t answer right away and then finally he texted me back... And get this... He wouldn’t even tell me what’s wrong! He said I gotta go ask Rav, this other dude.” Jace opened his hands as if to say, ‘Can you believe that?’

“Have you asked this...Rav?”

“No... I haven’t...” Jace’s words became a little more harried and he seemed to forget Key was in the room. His eyes darted around the room went on a tirade to himself. “Which leads me to the whole other thing going on! In the past few days everything has blown up in my face about the whole Greek Mythology, crap. This dude Kalius tries to act like he knows stuff and actually tells my friends about it! Rav is all ass-deep in that business! Some floating creep in the D makes a comment to me about it right in front of gods and everyone! And then Rav tried to introduce me around to like...an effing club of Greeklings or something! I mean...I just had to bail!”

Key didn’t say anything. His eyes narrowed and he cocked his head. “I’m not certain I understand the significance of any of that. Are there things I should...be aware of? That would perhaps clarify how any of that is an issue?”

Jace sighed hard and put his head in his hands. “Nevermind, man. Just forget it... Top it all off with Vicktor acting like a total creeper lately and somehow blaming me for what he’s doing and then Adam ripping me a new ass in front of a total stranger because evidently I was leading him on or something...” One more sigh and then Jace threw himself back on the sofa. “As much as I hated it... Life was easier when I was just on my own. I dunno why I thought I could try to have a life. It’s just not meant for me...”

Key remained quiet for a moment. He considered the younger man’s words before formulating what he thought may help. And he delivered it relentlessly. “The universe operates in a pattern. There is give and take and suffering and joy. There is a finite balance to it all, and that balance has to be protected and maintained. You are a part of this pattern, Jace. As are we all. You do exist in this world - with these people. The strands of destiny tug at you as hard as anyone... In some ways, even harder. But destiny is only half of the equation. Your choices complete the cycle. Make the choices that will deliver the life you want. No one else can do it for you...”

The silence stretched between them for several moments. Jace wouldn’t look at Key. Finally, he said, “I thought I started this whole conversation by saying I didn’t want to talk deep. I was pretty clear.”

“Your the one who brought it up,” said Key with a twinkle in his eye. After a little more silence Key rose easily from his position on the floor and sat next to Jace. “Why don’t you play me that verse you’ve been writing tonight... It may help. And I enjoy hearing you sing.” Jace stuck his tongue out and rolled his eyes up in his head feigning a dramatic death. “Blehhhh....” Then his expression shifted and he smiled a little and chuckled at his own lameness. “Fine... But I told you it’s not finished. Nothing will come...”

“Let me hear what you’ve got...”

Jace grabbed his guitar off the stand behind the couch and strummed a few chords to get limber. “Don’t judge. It’s sorta melancholy.”