Guru of the Alleys
From Unofficial Handbook of the Virtue Universe
(DEAD AND DEADER THAN DEAD. :D)
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| "Guru Deth-Squad, We got the Mods!! Guru Deth-Squad, We got the Bodz!!" | |
| Guru of the Alleys / The Minister of Hilarity / Slug the Alley-Guru / Lord Guru | |
| Player: @Ditchfrog / @JohnnyGrand | |
| Origin: | Magic |
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| Archetype: | Mastermind |
| Threat Level: | 50 |
| Personal Data | |
| Real Name: | Slug Boom Bang. ( legal name change from Thomas James Weihem. ) |
| Known Aliases: | Minister of Hilarity, Alley-Guru, Slug. |
| Species: | Human |
| Age: | 28 |
| Height: | 6' 6.5" |
| Weight: | 191 lbs. |
| Eye Color: | Baby-blue |
| Hair Color: | Currently pink. |
| Biographical Data | |
| Nationality: | Slavic/British. |
| Occupation: | Gang-leader, Plight to Paragon. |
| Place of Birth: | Vienna. |
| Base of Operations: | Confidential |
| Marital Status: | Confidential |
| Known Relatives: | None traceable. |
| Known Powers | |
| Skilled with Gang-Warfare, and advanced knowledge on Black Magicks. | |
| Known Abilities | |
| Guru has an easy time grasping different types of magicks, a nearly unbreakable ambition to rule the slums of every city, and the inner workings of a sinister black-hearted genius. | |
| Equipment | |
| Guru carries a Radio dedicated to the Deth-Squad, a Black-berry, a side-arm (usually a revolver), and many small trinkets. (EMP Grenades, keys, etc.) | |
| Guru of the Alleys aspired to run an autoshop, before small skirmishes broke out near his home town. The Minister of Hilarity's true intentions showed after a stint as a Hero of Paragon by setting bombs in a Police Department. Guru's true nationality is British, due to his father's birth in Newcastle. His mother was Slavic. | |
The Guru of the Alleys is a self made character, melded to inspirations of the Thugs in Batman, and Batman Returns. (Those being the henchmen of The Penguin, and The Joker.) I'll also add Heroes and Villains Alter-Egos are an inspiration. Daredevil, Spiderman, Dr. Doom's rarely seen human persona, and much more influenced the creation of Guru's alter-ego, The Minister of Hilarity phase.
Theme-song: What I'm After, by Lords of the Underground.
The Guru says... "That’s what I'm after; tell me what I'm after"
The Minister says... "I'm after the gold and after that the Platinum."
The Guru's struggle to the top, (Or parts of it) can be seen in this.
The Streets never seemed so Sinister
It's always being updated or added onto, so give it a look every once in awhile.
Anywho, here are some more notes... None of the below is publicly known information RP! This is really just to give you insight into whatever the hell I'm doing... I guess. Well.. its more for me. It's fun, what can I say? ANYWAYS, Enjoi, if you got the patience to read all of it.
Brief History
The Guru of the Alleys has always been a bother to law officials of the lowest to highest calibre. The local police had problems keeping track of his trickery as a child and heroes presently have trouble stopping the daily crimes he commits now. Here is in-detail look into the past of this sinister man.
Childhood
Guru's childhood was spent in the slums of nearly every city in the Balkans. His father was a contractor who was nearly always out of work. Thomas J. Weiham senior had never been on top of anything and the death of his wife (Guru’s mother) Slintvaka Weiham, during childbirth, had weighed heavily on his outlook on life. With Thomas Senior drowning his woes with anything numbing, Thomas J. Weiham Jr. had very little access to any parenting, life lessons learned from family, or support. He fell into the rough and tumble children of the slums in each city he was dragged to, becoming the twisted mind to the children's tomfoolery operations each time.
Strife broke out in a small town of twelve thousand Thomas Jr. and Sr. were visiting for business. A small-time Crime lord incited violence against the local police in a populated market in the middle of the day. One hundred and eighteen people we're killed, and Thomas Jr. and his new cast of outlaw children were right in the middle of it all. Thomas Sr had been so broken by life, that he had paid no attention to his son's gruelling experience. This terrible ordeal scarred Thomas Jr. permanently. He found refuge in an old fortune-teller that was widely regarded as a witch in the terror-stricken town. She was a kindly old woman with a great sense of humour. She was the only person that Thomas felt comforted by. She was seeking an apprentice to impart the knowledge of magic she had gained through years of dabbling in the secrets of nature... namely the fears of the future and past that she saw in everybodies fortune. The Guru remembers those days very fondly, often referring to the woman as "Nana Fear". She was struck suddenly by a life-threatening sickness, and faded away into a ghost of her former self. She taught Thomas minor incantations, and nightmare projecting images, but never the physically harmful side of her magic. She died in the night, and left Thomas "The Book of Fear", a book she bound her soul to, which manifested later in Thomas Jr.'s life as The Minister of Hilarity.
Six months passed, and Thomas Jr. had caught a break in life. He and his father found a vessel in need of workers, which was headed to Paragon City, America... where Thomas Jr. would carve out his path to become a Villain in Paragon City closely related to the slums and gangs that peppered the alleyways.
Guru's beginning
Thomas Sr & Jr had applied for name changes immediately after arriving in Paragon City, America. Thomas Jr. had changed his name to Slug Boom Bang, as Thomas Sr. changed his to John Smith. For the next four months, Slug's quality of life blossomed. For once, he and his father were talking, had a roof over their head, and a steady flow of income; however, luck only smiled on Slug for a small period of time. One weekend, his father mysteriously disappeared. It happened on occasion, but never longer than five days. Slug knew this was different, as his father gave him serious advice, something that never happened before. "A man’s worth as much as his reputation." No trace of Slug's father was ever found. Slug Bang Boom had no choice, but head to somewhere he knew how to survive, the slums. He sought out a petty living by doing odd jobs for shop-keepers until he got mixed up with "The Skulls". Guru showed his true colors in a gang war between the Skulls and the Hellions, by taking the front of the battle, and using the magic he was taught by "Nana Fear" to project horrid nightmares in the Hellions. Although ineffective in damage, it frightened the Hellions into a hasty retreat, and earned Guru Respect in the Skulls. Guru began to adopt followers who clung to his every word, after seeing his occult mastery, and immense knowledge of life on the streets and slums.
The rise of The Guru of the Alleys
Slug wasn't absorbed into the Skull's ways of thinking. He knew they were small time on the scale of things, and extremely obsolete in their approach to "Glory". Never the less, Slug stuck with them before he caught wind of an impending hero raid. He knew this was his chance to seize the power and turf the Skulls in his area were about to lose. Slug knew heroes and police cleared gang-turf nearly every month, but much to their demise, a neighbouring power absorbed the cleaned streets in a matter of days. Slug quickly took the little support and large weapon caches from the Skull's storehouse and fled the warehouses where they resided. The fact that the Skulls were on his heels after his "Treasonous act" didn't mean much when a team of four heroes crashed the scene and proceeded to club/shoot/burn/freeze/and beat down nearly every Skull in the area. His knowledge of the streets began to show to the Skulls that followed him to promises of higher ranks, more money, and power. He quickly established the "Deth-Squad", a name he never really liked, but lost to in a vote of one to forty-six. The only other name, suggested by Slug himself was the "The Thirty-Seven Slug-ee-tears!” Slug quickly became know by his odd sayings, and street knowledge as the Alley-way Professor. The name didn't stick at all until a reporter misheard the name of the new street crime lord and labelled him as "The Guru of the Alleys". His successes came slow, and painfully, but his domain started to thrive after certain media attention. "A man’s worth only as much as his reputation.” His father's only advice to Slug was the driving tactic that pushed the "Deth-Squad" into the big-players.
The Minister of Hilarity
Guru has gone through a lot since his arrival as an underdog in Paragon City. With rivalries between Heroes and Villains, the mental toll he endured made him crack. He snapped with a vengeance. The Guru of the Alleys was subdued into what was and still is The Minister of Hilarity, the soul that bound to him after he read "The Book of Fear". With all the traumatic experiences Guru endured, the light-hearted humour of Nana Fear's soul morphed into a black vein of dark humoured jokes. The Minister is extremely obsessive over the punch line of his dark jokes, and pushes hard to make them a reality. The Minister of Hilarity differs completely from Guru's natural personality; however, is bound by Slug's dedication to the slum life. The Minister of Hilarity seizes complete control of Guru's actions in times of strife, defeat, and breakdowns, and can hold Guru's physical self for alarmingly increasing periods of time. Guru has seemed to purge himself of his alter-ego numerous times, but keeps steadily sinking into the grasp of Nana Fear's soul. Recently, for no physical reason, Guru has forgotten about the Minister of Hilarity's grasp on his mind... which turned out to be a sinister plot for a new, more powerful host for "Nana Fear's" soul. (Refer to Plots involving Guru below for more information.)
Fun facts of the Minister's personality.
-The Minister often makes jokes about clowns getting crushed by elephants, cars, trucks, mountains, whales, and anything else big.
-He giggles madly at the word, "Melanoma".
-He thinks Georgia is a very obese man who wears a dress.
-He thinks Trumpets and any other horn is a broken gun.
-The Minister hates the color yellow. He says it reminds him of Taxis, something he claims tries to kill him daily.
Personality
The Guru of the Alleys has respect for many things, but is quick to anger. He does not, however, express his anger in a linear way. Instead, he broods and plans for vengeance, if the provoker asks for it. Guru is quite light hearted towards new Villains, Friends, and Contacts. Yet, he shoots to ensure they will have a hard time surpassing his power, if they decide to try. His attitude toward heroes however, is quite uncouth. He views them as mortal enemies, only present to hinder his successes. His actions against the poster and street heroes of Paragon can be quite aggressive, holding threats on innocent people to draw heroes into traps is a favorite of Guru. Guru has an interest in the lower city life, "Classical" street music (Ie. Punk, Grime, Acid-Jazz, Hip hop.), and is weak in the knees for Mrs. Tanerella's Perogies on 5th and Wuhmi in Galaxy City along with bubbly pop-star girl groups. (Isn't that odd?)
Guru learned most of his English in his home country from his father, and American television. Some of his favourite words are "Punk", "Punkette", "Chief Punk", "Punkerton", "G.I. Punk", "Duuude~", "Duuudette", "G", "B", "Peeps", and "Pause." Being the odd character that he is, Guru avoids liquor unless he needs to look cool, but rather prefer tea. The thing he likes about tea is the name, and civilized feeling it gives him; however, he absolutely hates the taste.
Guru also hates to be addressed by his legal name (Slug Bang Boom) due to his embarrassing choice for a name change. Guru also secretly hoards posters of pop-stars, hidden deep within his storage space in St. Martial's "Super Dollar Storage" building.
More fun Guru personality facts.
-He absolutely hates to be alone. He only feels comfortable in populated areas.
-He sees little value in money, and usually gives waitresses or his deranged henchmen large duffel bags of green after bank-jobs.
-His favourite song is "Who Cares" the remix version sung by his favourite girl band trio, "Super-love Pink-awesome Happy".
-He absolutely loves the carnival, but only at night when there are no lines.
-He has his hair done in a salon, owned by the alter-ego of a hero.
-He secretly thinks taxis try to kill him daily, and only admits it when The Minister of Hilarity takes control of his body.
-His eyes began to glow after he absorbed Nana Fear's soul. He doesn't know they glow though, so most comments on it are misunderstood.
Affiliations and Groups
-Guru is a very active member of the Vanguard.
-Guru is the leader and Ghetto-Lord of The Deth-Squad.
-Guru is one of The Notorious Six, and has established himself as the brains behind most of the operation.
Powers of the Guru
Alley Guru believes most technology to be unreliable and of shoddy craftsmanship. He abides by the old advice his father gave him, of "A man's reputation is worth more than gold." His main weapons of choice is the Guru Deth-Squad (As mentioned above and below.) and the use of Black Magic, also known as Dark Miasma magicks, taught to him by Nana Fear, a women he widely regards as his "Nona" or "Nana Fear".
Guru Deth-Squad
Guru's reputation on the streets isn't without worth. Many aspiring thugs follow him as a Messiah to the plights and trying times of people in the slums. Although ill lead, many gangsters and hit men flock to the promise of wealth, power, and an escape from the ghettoes. The Guru of the Alleys has a surprising large backing from the streets, large enough to span from Mercy Island to Independence Port. Even in his psychotic state as The Minister of Hilarity, his loyal street-warriors follow him without question.
Guru also has his elite group of so called "Deth-Squad Honor-Boyz", which accompany him nearly everywhere he goes. All of them were the first to follow Guru's thug crusade, for streets and cities. Their loyalty to him is unwavering, and they guard him like their life depended on it. It often does.
Here are some of the Honor-Boyz.
Deth-Squad Tatz the Tuff-B.
Tatz was one of the very first to lackey for The Guru, and he's made extremely impressive gains in power and strength due to heavy steroid abuse and Guru's aid. He's the last guy you'd want to meet in an alley-way, and if Guru is around, he`s not far behind. He acts as the main bodyguard for the Guru, using his near super-human strength to knock aside any threats to his Crime lord. He also acts as the second in command to the Honor Boyz, and the whole of the Guru Deth-Squad.
He likes...
-Motorcycles.
-Beer.
-Football.
-Working out.
-Secretly sneaking into Guru`s warehouse full of girl-band posters, and drawing on them.
He dislikes...
-Long walks on beaches.
-Traffic jams.
-Fast-food.
-The opera.
-Anyone the Guru calls a Punkerton.
Deth-Squad Nine the Woggy
In every cadre of heroes of villains, there is an idiot. Thugs have the same rule, and filled it by one of Guru`s newer Honor-Boyz member, Nine the Woggy. No one can really remember why they call him Nine or Woggy, something about making him eat nine extra large kebabs at Karl’s Kebabs Kraze. Nine the Woggy is one of the later members to join the Guru-Deth-Squad. He might be new to the game, but he has one hell of a shot with revolvers, a MUST in the thug game.
He likes...
-Being listened to.
He dislikes...
-Guru doesn`t really know, he never listens to him.
Deth-Squad Lz-B, Boy Wonder
Along with the rule of idiot to competent ratio, goes the over-achiever to competent ratio. Boy Wonder, Lz-B fills that position. He first got the name Lazy-Borker when he fell asleep on his night watch of a secret meeting. It`s been shortened down to Lz-B, for obvious thug lingo reasons. He`s been trying to prove himself to be the best of the Deth-Squad ever since he received his embarrassing name. He`s gone in leaps and bounds, inciting his lesser known name, Boy Wonder.
He likes..
-To be taken seriously.
He dislikes..
-Black and white movies starting with the letter A.
-Not being taken serious.
Deth-Squad Peep
Peep is a thug afflicted with Paranoia. He`s always wigging out about anything ghost like. Or demon like. Or hero like. You get the picture. He has mad-skills with urban machine-guns, (Uzis, SMGs) and a killer aim. Too bad he`s too busy looking over his shoulder all the time.
He likes...
-Being in a fully mirrored room.
-Very light places.
He dislikes...
-Being in the dark.
-Being watched without knowing.
Deth-Squad Bitz and Botz
Bitz and Botz is a deceiving name. This pyromaniac got it by building models and miniature robots... only to explode, burn, or melt them. He`s a great addition to the thug force of Guru. Someone has to be crazy enough to spit liquor through open flames... he also knows every skingrapher in Paragon on a first name basis.
He likes...
-Fire.
He dislikes...
-Not fire.
-People named Charles or Nigel.
Deth-Squad Best Dude
Best Dude is the thug who holds it all together. Tatz is too dim in the head to enforce any of Guru's rules, so B-D hits the scene when it gets too crazy for Guru`s likes. Best Dude got his name at a hot-dog eating competition, after beating the judge to a bloody pulp for disqualifying Tatz. They didn’t say in the rules feeding a dog under the table was frowned upon. Best Dude is the best dude for one reason... He`s the dude you can count on.. or... the Best Dude.
He likes...
-Clocks.
He dislikes...
-Broken clocks.
The "Word"
The "Word" Guru spreads is one that is not often thrown around. Even the followers of his street teachings dare not say it publicly. The street-gospel of Guru is said to be summarized perfectly in this one word. The early police reports on Guru’s spreading gospel were false, and the "Word" is not "Damn-good-juice!!", or "Daaaaayaaamn, that Taxi tried to kill me!!". Later reports indicate is isn't "Your a Punk, Punkerton-ette." either.
Black Magicks, or Dark Miasma
The teachings of Nana Fear fully developed after years of usage, and are amplified by Guru's "Book of Fear". He can call on black thoughts of others to terrify, heal himself and others, petrify, blind in a black-smoke, and hinder by projecting black sludge on the ground. He has also seen to summon men made of pure-black clouds with glowing eyes.
The power over Long Range Teleporting
This was one of Guru's best known feats. He is superb at teleporting. Possibly a master. Heaving allies and foes alike through time and space to his desired position seems to be his extent. It's also his main form of transportation, flashing in and out of existance, from point A to point B. It's also his favorite form of ambush, either throwing himself and all his men through portals to appear face to face with their mark, or swallowing their victim into a forced teleport into the middle of tens to hundreds of thugs.
Guru's Leadership
This is possibly Guru's most potent weapon. The warriors of the slums do not call him a teacher for no reason. His battle tactics, assaults, and manuevers are crude yet extremely potent. Guru has the mind of a powerful tactician in any fight, from feigning weakness, to bluffing excessive numbers and force... it all has a reason.
Assorted Technology and Weapons
Guns, baseball bats, and EMP bombs. Guru used it all. Granted... he isn't that well-versed in bombs, guns, and anything dangerous. He leaves that to The Deth-Squad. He is known to use some exotic technology once in a while, although he'd never admit it. His Freeze-Ray is his particular favorite, the idea of freezing someone in place and slapping them repeatedly is a dream come true for Guru. Especially if its a Hero stuck in place.
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Guru's Marvel Stats
Guru was never physically fit, strong, or resistant to pain. If you cut a man, does he not bleed? Well.. in the case of Guru, a cut loses a pint of blood for our insideous Villain. He's incredibly smart on the other hand. Not a science smart, but a street smart. He knows what needs to be done to survive, and how to grasp a higher life in the streets.
Guru's mind has also been conditioned by the teachings he received by Nana Fear. His mind is surprising resilient to psi-based attacks. Where the Guru Deth-Squad protects Guru physically, Guru protects the Deth-Squad mentally.
Guru was never a detective, but always has the tenacity to ask the questions that haven’t been asked. This usually leads him into odd quarrels, Forty versus one bouts (Forty being Guru and the Deth-Squad), and something his calls "Punk sit-com drama."
Guru's manipulations of the hopes and fears of his enemies make up the high statistics on his Psyche and Intuition gauges. It takes a considerable amount of mental power to execute the right incantations in battle, yet Guru rarely fails, proving his focus is that of a superhuman being.
Villainous Exploits
Guru tends to be seen as less of a villain, and more of a squandered youth now defunct on some silly gang. Although thats partly true, messing with Guru is no small matter anymore. Here are some of Guru's more chilling and sinister exploits.
-Guru organized the Deth-Squad into a towering power with-in the Rogue Isles, but never had enough weight to throw around without allies holding his back. Success in one of his more recent goals is starting to dominate his mind. Domination of all the slums and ghettoes in the world. To control the lowest denominator of people, is the first step to enforce his will on the cities themselves. Guru knows no arch-villain would willingly become a lackey for another arch-villain without cause, be it good or bad. Guru used the funds amassed by the Deth-Squad after nearly numberless bank heists to fund his new plan, and a very important step towards his true goal. To form a council, or select group of arch-villains, known as The Notorious Six. Each with the same amount of say, and power. To assist everyone on their own goals... and to crush those who oppose their sinister plots. Guru has asserted himself as the mind behind the group, "fairly" taking all of their concerns to mind. The Arch-villains in control of the seats are...
The Sinister Guru of the Alleys, lord of the slums.
The Mind-warping Forced Insanity, bane to mankind.
The Wicked Mari Onette, scientific terror.
The Unending Plant, Venin Hiss.
The Lightning Quick, BladeMaster Al.
The Diabolical, Zyren Treskal.
Exploits
-The Guru of the Alleys had agreed to join "The Apicella Circus" under the influence of The Minister of Hilarity. Although showing immense loyalty to the Ringmaster for solving his hardest riddles, his interior intention was to rise to the top of the Circus, and warp it to a front for an insidious villainous base of operations. The Minister found it had already been such, yet lighter than he was urging to turn it into. He has stopped prying at members of the front circus, to pursue more powerful gains. He has since belittled the circus as a small-time operation and left to make better and bigger gains.
-The Guru of the Alleys also is an accomplished medic, after taking a crash course in a two-bit Rogue Isles medical school for 79.99$, although stealing the essences of others with his knowledge of magic to heal wounds is also helpful.
-The Minister of Hilarity has performed as a stand-up comedian with electrifying results in Villain heavy pubs and bars.
-The Guru also tried to become a hairdresser for his favourite member of his secret favourite band, "Super-Love Power-team Awesome 5, Good Job", the hit all girl band from Albania. He failed horribly, but gained the knowledge that the lead singer was, in fact, a Hero. Needless to say, she cannot sing anymore.
Guru's exploits are not all pointless and trivial. Some of his exploits even aided mankind as a whole, not just the thug followers he has en masse. Here are the more notable exploits that aided his fellow man.
Guru and the Rikti attacks
As all know, the Rikti are not bias on the lands they attack. The Rogue Isles, where Guru had taken control of the most blocks.. letting the Deth-Squad's power and gang-turf expand under harsh back-alley brawls and firefights in the streets, had become a sight for an invasion force of Rikti. Guru's self made haven became a deafening battle-ground of alien technology projectiles and massive ground anchored bombs in a matter of minutes. Everyone in the first invasion attack knows the carnage that had been dealt to the world, even Guru, but that didn't matter so much to him. He took the attack on his gang's-turf as personal as it gets. He did everything but devote his life to the murder of all Rikti. Most noticeable... was his donations to Vanguard. Nearly half of the income that his sprawling underground gang network made went directly into the pockets of the Vanguard, and companies manufacturing weapons, ammunition, and new technology for them. It's even been reported by Vanguard operatives that massive rage inspired gang-brawls have broken out in the Rikti Crash Site, bearing the white ribcage that the Deth-Squad is bound to.
Guru and his Deth-Squad have even been rewarded the position of Marshal in the Rogue Isles for the gritty contributions the Deth-Squad has made to the Rikti war and invasions. Though, as the Rikti attacks on his turf dwindle, the amount of money Guru donates shrinks. His efforts, although selfish for his own cause, has made a significant impact in the effort against the Rikti after the invasions.
Friends
Opposite to popular belief, Guru does actually have friends. A couple are more noticeable than others. Here are some of Guru's close friends.
-Big Rich - Guru regards Big Rich as a "Stupid clown reject punk", most of the time in a playful manner. He basically prefers Big Rich as an insult punching bag more than a friend.
-Ringmaster Apicella - Guru doesn’t think too much about Apicella, other than being a failed circus "Reject punkerton." Again, he prefers to think of Apicella as an insult punching bag more than a friend.
-Russian Warthog - Somewhat of a friend to Guru, he can't help but dislike his use of benches.
-Johnny Giggles - The Minister of Hilarity's so called protégé, Johnny has flourished during his first steps into the Rogue Isles, with as little as a teeny tiny crash-course in evil from The Minister. The Minister can be quoted as saying, "That’s me BOY!" whenever Johnny is around.
-Mari Onette - The person Guru has the largest soft spot for. When she pops her head out of her lab, and life’s work, Guru almost instantly turns to butter... or however buttery a crime lord can become.
-Shinrea - "Rat-ette" is the Guru's sold-position for a safecracker during any heist. Although he thinks she smells bad.. (Due to be a massive rat), he values her safecracking skills, and will punt any cat-women threatening to harm her.
-Venin Hiss - Guru thinks of Venin more as a co-worker, but still finds time outside of the Six to grab a Red-Bull and belittle the women around Venin. Not to mention punt romans around along side the Deth-Squad whenever Venin petitions the idea.
Enemies
The Guru of the Alleys holds disgust and gut wrenching hate for about every Hero imaginable. Even if one of his favourite all girl pop bands turned out to be a heroic troupe, he would immediately blacklist them as mortal enemies. The Guru still holds this dislike of the Justicars of Paragon in co-operative groups being anything from: Dance competitions in Pocket D, Attacks launched against the Rikti threat in the warzones, Attacking the wills of anything and everything in Cimeria that displeases his odd tastes, and bartenders at the D. He does not harbor this hate in a linear way though, but will underhandedly try to make anyone remotely Heroic look like a fool, or as he would say... a "Punkerton."
The most note-worthy people he has locked horns with right now are...
The Injustice-Knights - Guru petitioned for a neutral agreement between the I.K. His petition quickly slid down into a tussle with Marius Thorn, the "Punkerton" leader of the I.K, and his co-leader Jeremiad. Guru has vowed to crush them both under his boot.
Plots involving the Guru / Minister of Hilarity
Guru has gotten himself into many a pickle. His alterego, The Minister of Hilarity has gotten himself into many more pickles than Guru, resulting in violence or comical results.
Humble beginnings for black hearted devils
Guru has long held the Minister of Hilarity inside, but slowly, The Minister took control of Guru, but didn't present himself as he usually would. The cape and clown disguise had to wait. In a nut-shell... The Minister began to unroll his grand design. He befriended a small Rat-girl named Shinrea as a safecracker to gain funds for his ultimate plot. He hit nearly every bank in Paragon without much resistance other than Heroes called to a break-in, only numbering in the single digits. The funds began to flow, and the boulder that was the scheme of the Minister began to roll.
The Minister's ultimate plot needed a body. A body of a hero. To achieve this he did it as every Mastermind would. He held a section of Paragon up for ransom, but announced it as the information was forced from him by several heroes. This caught the eye of someone named Turbostar, a young hero of the age 17 with a personal power suit. The perfect body the Minister needed for his plot. He enacted the next section of his plan. A dummy plan, "No Chance for Nuclear Romance." This was all a ploy to drag Turbostar into a trap, caging him for the soul exchange a separate section of his plan was working on. Although the Minister met fierce resistance to obtain a nuke from a cast of four heroes, none of which were Turbostar, his victory came never-the-less. He had a nuclear missile. Everything was going according to plan, other than the disappearance of Turbostar. He pulled ransom over Steel Canyon, but was stopped dead in his tracks from a force of nine heroes. Overwhelming the Minister's defences... he fled. This section of his scheme had long since failed when his target body vanished.
While all of the above was happening, the Minister used a friend of Guru, someone who absolutely turned our loveable crime lord into butter. Mari Onette, a respected doctor in her field, traumatized by the loss of her arms due to stealing from the Family, the mob lords of the purposive new world. The Minister of Hilarity let Guru take control once again, to build a strong relation with the woman he would force to do the operation that would separate his soul (Nana Fear's soul) into another host body. This section.. labelled "Oil Drilling for the Soul", went along smoothly, other than the lack of a body. The Minister named a due date and is holding Guru's life (and his current existence) as his ace in the hole. If Mari Onette does not do what The Minister of Hilarity has ordered... he has pointed out that he would kill Guru and himself, or more likely, murder Mari Onette in cold blood. Working constantly to meet the demands of the Minister, Mari accomplished all she set out to do, an impressive feat alone. Since the absent body was the biggest hill to climb, she meshed the body of a civilian with powerful technology called "Nanomachines". The Minister of Hilarity accepted the work she had done, he demanded that the civilian be brought out of the coma Mari had enduced. The Minister broke no time to crack a morbid joke, and supernaturally inject most of "Nana Fear's" soul into the man, this being the essense of Hilarity's existance. He used what litle control he had left to teleport the cyborg host to a unknown area of Paragon city. With the last tough of "Nana Fear's" soul still in Guru, he bound a magical thread between him and his former host as a line of defence. If the new body Hilarity occupied died... so would Guru, and if Guru was to die then nothing would happen to the Minister... but unbenounced to the Minister, Mari Onette added another rule into this twisted plot. If she was to die, all the technology in the cyborg host of the Minister would deactivate, ultimately killing the human portion of the host.
Guru has no real recollection on any of the events, but has heard the name of The Minister of Hilarity. Now purged of "Nana Fear's" soul and convinced that this "Minister of Punkerton" (As he calls him) took advantage of Mari, he and the Deth-Squad have put a considerable amount of effort into find the host body to the Minister.
The Guru never really gives up, but the Minister of Hilarity mentioned two other aces in the hole before leaving the two, Guru and Mari Onette in the depths of Mari's lab.
Random information about Guru of the Alleys!
Guru of the Alleys has done everything from endorsing fibre-glass cars, and spike pudding at children’s birthday party for comedy film footage. It’s too bad it was never released to the public. Here’s the random information about our cuddly Crime lord that wasn't important enough to make the lists above.
-All of Guru's furniture is plastic deck sets, and a futon mattress. What’s little known is Guru uses his Futon strictly as a bank. He literally sleeps on the money he hoarded. It hasn’t been opened in years, he rather steal then pay for anything anyways.
-Guru has actually bought a five minute time slot on "Freek-time Fun Super Channel!" at exactly twelve at night on Wednesdays to air his secret favourite song by "Go-Go-Go Jump-Hoop-Run Power-Team Awesome Girl-Squad 5!", after his favourite show, "What-the-HELL-are-you-eating!? Power hour of food related bloopers."
-Guru has a picture of Ryan-Seacrest in a Photo-shopped dress sewn to a speed-bag to use as a motivational punching bag.
-A part of his Thug-recruitment training is synchronized dancing. He calls it a team-work building exercise, but really just films it to laugh at it later... or mail it to Paragon's back hour television show... "So you think you can Waltz?"
-Guru saw the movie "Dracula" when he was very young. The movie proved too much for his fertile young mind to handle. He has a huge dislike of vampires now, and will attempt to attack, insult, or run from any he meets.
-Mari Onette, as mentioned, turns our loveable crime lord to butter. Guru caught word that Mari's lab was turning into a junk hole, so Guru proceeded to "buy" "new" equipment that looked as if they should belong in a lab, and built a new lab for Mari... but as everything never really works out for Guru, this was no exception. The Minister of Hilarity used Guru's surprise as a pulling device to get Mari's lab closer to home for a scheme in the making nearly all of Guru's life on the Rogue Isles.
Note-worthy quotes
"Punkerton." - Guru.
"G.I. Punk." - Guru.
"Puuuuuuunk-ette." - Guru.
"You're smaaaaaall-time. Yeah. Small. Time." - Guru.
"Chyeah, B. I forked that Freek with so many holes, I bet he'd qualify as a outlet." - Guru.
"Punk, Get the fuck out of my moon-base!" - Guru.
"The only time I am wrong... is when I think I'm wrong." - Guru.
THEMESONGS!
If Guru had a soundtrack.. it'd have THESE songs on it!
L.O.T.U.G. - Chief Rocka - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YFbLRZCExBk&feature=related
The Roots - The Next Movement - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqE3-ijnREQ
The Roots - Proceed - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4v4t1GOODRU
Aesop Rock - Oxygen - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bz58WKDQK0o&feature=related
Atmosphere - God Loves Ugly - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p-O7ONswQtc (Couldnt find a good one)
Mr. Lif - Live from the Platation (Favorite) - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DwRlS2UVHA8&feature=related
RJD2 - The Horror! (Favorite) - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eq38_MFTEm0
Mr. Lif - I Phantom - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tDYBX5VLj_E&feature=related
